There Is Nothing Untoward About This Sentient Cream Pokémon

In anticipation of Pokémon Sword and Shield, Nintendo Switch is introducing us to some new characters. Everyone, meet Alcremie, the Cream Pokémon!

I hear those snickers, so get your minds out of the gutter, people. Alcremie deserves our respect! It’s a fairy type Pokémon, which “can produce whipped cream, which becomes richer the happier Alcremie is feeling.” See? What’s so weird about that? Wait, what’s that music I’m hearing? I…

NO. Stop that! I refuse to let you derail my wholesome and pure post about the cream Pokémon. Where was I? Okay, Alcremie can even use its cream in battle, where it showers its opponents in its sweet confection. The “cream it uses for this purpose has an incredibly powerful soothing effect, and any opponent that tries to eat the cream will rapidly lose the will to battle.” This is just your typical, charming, kids’ game fodder everyone. Nothing to see here.

This isn’t even the first food-based Pokémon. There’s Vanillite, an ice cream Pokémon, Cherubi the cherries, Swirlix the cotton candy Pokémon, and all manner of fish and mushrooms and presumably edible fowl (big ol’ Snorlax probably tastes best though, think of the marbling). Anyway, Alcremie looks innocent as hell! Just because in its Gigantamax form it shoots cream that hardens on impact does not mean there is any innuendo surrounding this Pokémon. Just because any Pokémon that comes in contact with the cream “will be filled with energy and euphoria but at the same time will fall into a state of complete confusion” does not mean there is any innuendo surrounding this Pokémon.

It’s just an adorable pile of strawberries and whipped cream!! You people make me sick.