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Here’s What This Year’s New Valentine’s Day Conversation Hearts Should Actually Say

Bleak messages for bleak times

A bag of Sweethearts Candies conversation hearts Tim Boyle/Getty Images

This week, the company that sells those weird chalky candies that only pop up around Valentine’s Day introduced its new line-up of conversation hearts slogans, and y’all, they are bleak.

Per the announcement from Spangler Candy, this year’s Sweethearts Candies are emblazoned with 16 different slogans, ranging from the usual suspects like “BE MINE” to a series of “uplifting new sayings” for these troubled times, including “CHIN UP,” and “PUSH THRU.” If that weren’t depressing enough, the company is also promoting these new slogans with a Facebook giveaway that encourages people to “nominate someone who could use a boost or has supported you over the years — a coach, teacher, mentor, sibling, or parent.” The prize? A single box of Sweethearts Candies, which might actually be worse than receiving no prize at all.

Here at Eater, we believe that we deserve better from Sweethearts. If conversation hearts can’t taste good, at least they can have messages that are actually relevant to the pandemic-era human condition. Without further ado, here’s a list of 16 slogans that are decidedly more appropriate for these times, but just as dispiriting as “PUSH THRU” or “FEAR LESS.”

  1. U VAXD?
  2. 1/6/21? WHERE WERE U?
  3. ON A SCALE OF N95, UR 100
  4. UGH, FINE
  5. MASK 4 MASK
  6. LET’S GO VIRAL
  7. WOULD SWAB 4 U
  8. DEWORM MY HEART
  9. U BOOST ME
  10. SHOW ME UR CHIN
  11. APOCALYPSE AND CHILL?
  12. I GUESS
  13. LET’S PUT OUR ANTI...BODIES TOGETHER
  14. ROSES ARE RED, I HAVE EXISTENTIAL DREAD
  15. UR LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS (NO REALLY, I TESTED POSITIVE)
  16. Just the Xanax logo

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