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Would You Rather: Chef Mouth Cup or This Tongue We Wrote About a While Ago?

If there’s one thing Michelin-starred restaurants seem to love, it’s uncanny mouth stuff

A white ceramic mold of a mouth, on a white background.
Mamma mia.
Bros.

You there! Welcome, step right up, to the Michelin Guide’s first ever kissing booth! I know what you’re thinking, food is sensual and involves mouths but kissing is far beyond the purview of anything Michelin is in charge of. To that I say: You’re not my dad, get in the booth! You have a choice to make between two absolutely obscene dishes!

On your left, you will see an offering from Bros’, a one Michelin-starred restaurant in Lecce, Italy recently reviewed by Everywhereist author Geraldine DeRuiter to disastrous results. In it she details a nearly five-hour long meal of 27 courses, all of which barely amounted to an appetizer’s worth of food, and all of which were seemingly cold. The sentences “these are made with rancid ricotta” and “we’ve infused these droplets with meat molecules” were uttered to her but never explained. One diner was left with nothing for three courses because they could not accommodate her allergies, while another had an allergic reaction when fed something he couldn’t eat. The largest course consisted of six noodles. But the most horrifying thing was The Mouth.

“Another course — a citrus foam — was served in a plaster cast of the chef’s mouth,” wrote DeRuiter. “Absent utensils, we were told to lick it out of the chef’s mouth in a scene that I’m pretty sure was stolen from an eastern European horror film.” Of course you are probably confused, so here is a photo DeRuiter has so kindly provided for display in the Michelin Kissing Booth. You can see how artfully the foam drips to the side of the mouth, as if the chef is choking on his own vomit. Sexy, no?

The plaster-cast mouth is also available in the restaurant’s gift shop, since if this is what you choose, you’ll no doubt want to recreate the experience.

Ahh, but wait, turn to your right! You will see another tantalizing offer from Alchemist, a Michelin-rated restaurant in Copenhagen. It’s the “Tongue Kiss,” which you may remember from coverage in February 2020, a dish which invites you to lick flowers and other edible morsels off of a realistic tongue. What’s it made of? We’re not sure. What’s the temperature? File not found.

Marvelous, all around, and hopefully a trend that continues to be developed, because who doesn’t want to feel forced to engage in a somewhat-sexual act in order to consume the meal they are paying hundreds of dollars for? Now, my dear participant, onto which will you bestow your kiss? No you can’t leave, this is dinner.

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