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The Impeachment Trial Is Brought to You by Milk

Milk is one of the two things senators are allowed to drink on the Senate floor. We have many questions.

A cat looking at a glass of milk

How about that impeachment trial! Today the Senate began debating the rules of the proceedings, with Democrats and Republicans disagreeing over what would constitute a fair trial of President Donald Trump over two articles of impeachment: abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. However, what’s not being debated is what sweet, refreshing beverages senators can use to quench their thirst on the floor. According to journalist Matt Laslo, the Senate is strict, allowing just two options. The first is water, which is probably obvious. The second, however, is milk.

We are not the first to be unsettled by the idea of grown-ass adults merrily chugging a glass of milk, especially when in public. America is sort of weird in that this behavior is tolerated in general, but let’s be clear: Plain milk as a standalone beverage is only okay if you’re a baby, a cat, or Santa. It is unsavory any other way. Like, did you see Get Out? Even if milk wasn’t a substance used to specifically evoke white supremacy, do you think this is the behavior of a rational person who should be dictating the laws of our country?

Get Out

And given that most adults can’t even digest the stuff properly, who exactly does this serve? According to the Washingtonian, milk isn’t even allowed on the House floor, but “one senator is said to have specifically requested [milk] during a recent filibuster,” which has allowed for this beverage transgression to take place. I have become a single-issue voter now, and that issue is voting out every senator who has specifically requested a glass of milk. They do not represent American values, which are obviously better represented by Coca-Cola slushies and Dunkin’ iced coffee.

On the other hand, fine: the dairy industry is going bankrupt, so maybe this and the hot milkman can save it. But do not make me picture Mitch McConnell lubricating his throat with that smooth white liquid. That image in itself is worse than the idea of downing an entire glass of cold milk.

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