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Fun People Order Pancakes: What Your Diner Order Says About You

It’s deeply personal — and tells your dining companions a lot about you

The interior of a diner, centering a table with four vinyl chairs. Flickr/Mat Edenius

You have to have a go-to “order” at a diner. Okay, you don’t have to, but if the entire point of a diner is a six-page menu featuring everything from buttermilk waffles to broiled flounder to a tiny box of Frosted Flakes you have to tear open and pour milk into, having a signature order will make your dining experience a lot less stressful.

How you land on your own signature order may vary. Maybe it’s the chicken tenders you first ordered after a cast party when you and every other 14-year-old descended on a diner at midnight, terrorizing the waitstaff. Maybe it’s the burger covered in 75 years worth of griddle grease, the flavor of which you could never replicate at home. Maybe you’re one of those people who really wants the chicken Marsala; whatever, we don’t kink-shame. Diner establishments may be dying because everyone wants to work on their laptop next to a grain bowl and a $6 flat white, but look within your heart: You know exactly what you want at a diner. It’s deeply personal — and tells people a lot about you.

Omelet

You either have some specific dietary restrictions and are understandably controlling, or are just a total control freak for unrelated reasons. This goes double for those who opt to “make your own” instead of going for the Western. You know that diner hothouse tomatoes are not good enough to grace your meal, and will NOT accept a substitution of American cheese over cheddar. A total Charlotte, in other words.

Pancakes

Everyone loves you and is excited to have you around, and that goes double if you’re the special kind of person who will take charge and order pancakes “for the table.” There are divisions based on potential fillings — blueberry means you like to add an air of GOOP-ish wellness to everything you do, chocolate chip means you distrust people who think “savory and sweet” is an acceptable combo — but you’re the life of the party. Unfortunately for you, that party ends at 9:30 p.m. after your sugar crash.

Eggs Benedict

You’re a fatalist and well aware that your time on earth is getting shorter by the second, so you refuse to spend a precious moment waiting in line for a fancy brunch place. You can have practically the same experience at your local lunch counter, which also happens to serve Screwdrivers. Complicating things however is the high rates of food contamination that happen with hollandaise sauce, but who cares? As you’re constantly reminding everyone, we only live once.

Grilled Cheese

You are neither lactose intolerant nor gluten sensitive, you lucky fucking jerk. And you’re probably unapologetic of your immense privilege, too.

Tuna Melt

You are pregnant.

Eggs with Corned Beef Hash

Similar to the eggs Benedict lover, you know life is short, but at least you’re kind of fun about it. Live fast, die young, leave a sodium-filled corpse.

Black Coffee

This city ain’t what it used to be, man, and you can’t take it anymore. You have been kicked out of a diner for forgetting you can no longer smoke inside.

Chicken Noodle Soup

It’s scary out there, and you long to feel comfortable and cared for. You also love a deal, and will be pocketing the extra crackers.

BLT

You are set in your ways, sometimes to your detriment. Soggy lettuce? Dry bread? Pale, mealy tomatoes? Limp bacon? You risk it all because you would rather a bad version of this sandwich than a good version of anything else. You have an air of mild disappointment about you at all times.

Disco Fries

Three options, not mutually exclusive. 1) You are from New Jersey. 2) You spent a semester in Montreal and now won’t stop talking about how this is fine, but it’s the squeak of a real cheese curd that would make the dish. 3) You are very, very drunk.

Broiled Lobster

You care not for your body nor for your peace of mind. You are an agent of chaos. You are Loki materialized. You have been called to earth by forces unknown and uncontrolled to sow fear and disorder. A hex on thee. A hex on thee!

‘Diet Delights’

Congratulations on your 100th birthday!

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