The Worst-Faith Interpretations of Apple’s New Food Emoji

In honor of World Emoji Day, which is apparently a real, made-up holiday, Apple published a preview of new emoji slated to come out on iOS this fall. Among them are four food emoji: a waffle, falafel, butter, and garlic.

Food is the category of emoji that has historically been the most fun to use, cast judgment on, and transform into euphemism through the awe-inspiring powers of the human imagination. Can you even remember what it used to be like to use a simple eggplant or peach emoji without being accused of horniness? Did such a time even exist?

It’s only a matter of time before these new food emoji too, have their meanings perverted by the smartphone-addicted, Juul-toting, TikTok-obsessed youth who shape so much of how we speak to each other across the mobile web. Considering that the children are our future, teach them well, then let them lead the way, here are some coded emoji meanings to get them started on the right (or wrong) foot:

Image: Apple

Apple’s falafel emoji is already attracting some heat for what some are calling its poop-like visual qualities (Google’s version, for what it’s worth, does not seem to share this problem). Here’s what Jon Porter at our sister site The Verge has to say about it: “I can’t help but think that Apple’s design for a plate of falafel kinda looks like a big pile of shit? Not human shit, and not a fun cartoony soft-serve ice cream poop like the classic Pile of Poo, but like a pile of dung from a farmyard animal.” It’s a good thing certain farmyard animals, namely horses, are experiencing a cultural renaissance not seen since they were still pulling buggies, thanks to the effect of the Yee Haw Agenda. The falafel emoji may look like a pile of horse dung, but in our era of “Old Town Road,” that can only be a good thing.

Image: Apple

A glossy sheen, impossibly sharp corners, the same color as mellow countryside sunlight — now this is a goddamn pristine stick of butter, one that I regret to inform you will absolutely be deployed as lube for 2 a.m. DM slides.

Image: Apple

This garlic emoji is so handsome and well-proportioned you kind of just want to put it in our mouth. In fact, the curves of the garlic cloves seen through the translucent, papery layers are almost identical to the bends of Tide Pod swirls. Perhaps this emoji can give rise to a new sort of viral challenge, one that will actually be good for teens.

Image: Apple

Waffle emoji. Four triangles. Illuminati. Area 51. Do you see where I’m going with this?