On this day of our Lorde, 2019, Ryan Simmons, video director of our sister site SB Nation, introduced a 2016 Brazilian Subway ad to American Twitter.
got another capitalism greatest hit. i will give you one hundred thousand dollars if you can guess the brand by the end pic.twitter.com/bwfJJLabg4— Ryan Simmons (@rysimmons) June 27, 2019
The reactions to the commercial, called “Timeline” and seemingly an homage to Richard Linklater’s Boyhood (or maybe just boyhood, generally), have been largely shock and aw, though perhaps not in the way the commercial’s creators — a production company called Stink — intended. Let us dissect:
As with all human life, we begin with a labor, in this case a water birth, which means this mother has been helpfully informed of all her delivery options and chosen what was best for her and her baby, a bouncing boy who may or — tension! — may not grow to one day order something from Subway. Is Brazil more open to alternative birthing experiences than the U.S. is? Is a doula present? This will remain a mystery.
Watch as the lad grows from infant to a young pervert, peeping on the very mother (that is his mother, right?) that nursed him at her tit mere years prior:
Not since Oedipus have we encountered so tragic a hero. (Or maybe that isn’t mother and he’s merely violating the privacy of a different adult woman. One can dream!) What do you think this deviant’s favorite Subway order is?
He becomes a teenager, falls in love, and gets his first kiss from an age-appropriate girl that is hopefully not related to him.
But — uh-oh — SHE A BIIIITCH.
To be fair, he is not the first nor the last to react to a bad breakup by cutting his own bangs.
Hell yeah, you wealthy white youth! It’s backpackin’ in rural China time. Use these farmers as cultural props for your own emotional development, boyyyyyy.
Now a citizen of the world, this young man is ready not only to come home, but create a home of his own.
Maybe inside a Subway with this woman?
“Every day, life asks you the same question,” the voiceover says (Simmons tweet, by the way, includes the English language version). “What are you going to try today?”
Looking like the generic option for when you can’t afford Robb Stark, apparently. That’s right. I went there and roasted this unknown Brazilian actor for looking vaguely like another handsome person. How’s that taste? Probably like Subway.