The video for Taylor Swift’s new single “You Need to Calm Down” is many things all at once: a pride celebration featuring LGBTQI icons, a rallying cry against online trolls (or even the most mild and measured of critics), and a symbolic burying of the hatchet with Swift’s former rival, Katy Perry. The video is also a campy romp through a junk food wonderland that ends with Swift in a french fry costume hugging Perry in her hamburger Met Gala outfit. Here are all the best food moments from Taylor’s newest pop music spectacle:
Taylor is awoken in her tiny pink trailer at 7 a.m. by alerts on her phone about Twitter trolls dunking on her. “You are somebody that I don’t know,” she sings, “But you’re taking shots at me like it’s Patron, and I’m just like... damn.” Our hero then makes the breakfast of champions: a Champagne-and-cotton candy slushy.
Swift leaves the blender running and heads to the pool as her trailer burns down. She clearly DGAF about online trolls or fire safety.
As she takes a “self care” break in the pool with her glass of boozy sugar sludge, we get a tour of the rest of the trailer park and its famous tenants.
Tan France would like to welcome you to the Queer Eye corral. Please tuck the front of your shirt into your pants.
Teacups are so “fall 2018.”
Olympic bronze medalist Adam Rippon is still tearing it up on the ice.
This is what happens when the White Rabbit nominates the Mad Hatter for a Queer Eye makeover.
Antoni also makes this face while reading your avocado tweets.
It’s “pop queen pageant” day at the Taylor park, which means that a bevy of gross cakes have been served. This prawn-buttercream torte looks like something Rene Redzepi would give you at the end of your Noma meal.
Obviously, this person grabbed the cake because it’s the same color as their shirt. If you can’t tell already, a food fight is about to break out.
Grabbing the red velvet cake seems like the wrong move if there’s also a Nickelodeon Gak pie on the table.
In the middle of the cake fight, Taylor, now dressed like an order of large McDonald’s fries, sees her former enemy in a hamburger costume across the fairgrounds. And now we know where all the missing Impossible Burger meat went — Katy’s wardrobe.
Aw, what a sweet, carefully-orchestrated PR stunt between two of the most famous people on the planet. Those cookies must’ve gone a long way.
The video also feature an angry mob of homophobes who are enraged by all the fun that’s happening in the trailer park, plus random cameos by Ellen DeGeneres, Adam Lambert, Todrick Hall, Billy Porter, RuPaul, and, inexplicably, Ryan Reynolds. Sadly for all the Kaylor fans out there, Karlie Kloss does not make an appearance and therefor cannot marry Taylor Swift in what would make for a truly great pride reveal. The message here is that homophobia is bad (true), LGBTQI pride is good (also true), junk food brings people together, and the best way to deal with online bullies is to mix up a batch of high-fructose hooch as the world around you burns.
• You Need to Calm Down [YouTube]