Starbucks Founder Howard Schultz Suspends Campaign to Become President and CEO of America

Now, let’s all forget that Howard Schultz ever wanted to be president

It looks like Starbucks founder, former CEO and “person of means” Howard Schultz may no longer be running for president. Just four months after declaring to 60 Minutes that he would be the best CEO of America™, Schultz has let go most of his campaign team, telling staff that he would not be campaigning during the summer. Schultz is currently recovering from back surgery .

Schultz’s run for president caused much consternation among Democrats: his attempt to run as a centrist candidate never polled particularly well, although he potentially would have diverted enough votes to allow Trump to win a second term as President. (Like any good billionaire, Schultz ignored this well-documented public opinion in favor of his own ego.) His campaign isn’t officially dead yet — he will reportedly make a final decision sometime after Labor Day. But fortunately, Schultz’s body is on Team America: it seems he’ll be recovering for long enough for everybody to forget that he was ever a contender. Yep, the Mueller Report wasn’t enough to bring down Trump, yet it seems that a coffee magnate’s back pain might be the magic bullet, and America can collectively yell “bye bitch!” in the direction of this bland totem of corporate America.

And in other news...

• The Vancouver, British Columbia grocery store that tried to wean customers off plastic bags by printing “embarrassing” fake brands on them, such as the “Colon Care Co-Op,” didn’t consider that everybody now wants one. [NYT]
• Domino’s Japan has introduced a pizza with one kilogram (2.2 pounds) of mozzarella on top; it has the rather literal name “New Yorker One-Kilo Ultra Cheese”. [Kotaku]
• New Jersey (or at least its tourism board) is inaugurating the “Anthony Bourdain Food Trail”, which features restaurants from the late chef’s visits to the garden state on Parts Unknown. [Inquirer]
• Forget milk, try glyphosphate on your Cheerios this morning: an environmental group says some breakfast cereals are still testing positives for trace amounts of the herbicide found to increase one’s risk of cancer. [CNN]
• KFC’s thirst for attention continues unabated: the poultry purveyor is now selling a limited edition run of “everlasting drumsticks” — fried chicken legs preserved in resin so you and future generations can place it on your mantle to admire. [Yahoo]
• Loved-in-Canada, ignored-everywhere-else chain Tim Hortons is diving right into the fake meat movement, as it is rolling out Beyond Meat breakfast sandwiches to all of its Canadian locations. [CNN]
• Before Star Wars fame, Mark Hamill worked at Jack in the Box — and got fired for doing funny voices via the drive-thru talk box. [Deadline]
• San Diego, are you ready for a summer of aerial annoyance? Too bad if not, because Uber Eats is planning to test drone delivery in your city at some point in the near future. [Venture Beat]
• NBA star Nick Van Exel has discovered iced coffee. [Twitter]

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