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Beyond Impossible: Suggested Names for the Next Fake Meat Hit

I would like $1.5 billion now, please

hamburger with unicorn horn
A unicorn burger.
Burger: Beyond Meat. Unicorn horn: Michael Pollak/Flickr. Photo illustration: Eater.

Meatless meat, if you buy into Beyond Meat’s slogan, is the The Future of Protein®. And judging from the plant-based meat company’s projected $1.5 billion valuation as it prepares for an IPO on Wednesday, that future could be very lucrative.

The global meat substitute market is expected to grow to a juicy estimated value of $7.5 billion by 2025, according to Allied Market Research. Competitors Beyond Meat and Impossible Foods are jostling for a bite of that protein patty, meeting consumers at high-end restaurants like David Chang’s Momofuku Nishi, fast-food brands like Burger King and Del Taco, and grocery stores like Whole Foods.

Beyond, Impossible, Nestle’s new Incredible and Awesome burgers — whatever the source of their “meat,” one thing these brands have in common is a lofty name that projects a forced enthusiasm and unkillable optimism on the consumer. These aren’t your hippie grandma’s boring veggie burgers; these meat alternatives are from a soaring future that mere cynical mortals can scarcely dare to imagine, where Silicon Valley has fixed all of our earthly problems and we whisper tidings to the god-king, Emperor Musk, each night as we drift off to sleep counting the sheep we are definitely not murdering to make our burgers.

So in the spirit of innovation and excitement, Eater staffers have come up with a list of appropriately !!!!!! names for the next big “unicorn” fake beef company out there. These names are up for grabs, but please, remember to cut us a sliver of the vegan patty when the billion-dollar public offering comes around.

  1. Unbelievaburger
  2. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Burger!
  3. Out of Bounds Burger, a Plant-Based Solution by Guy Fieri
  4. Implausiburger
  5. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Burger!!!!™
  6. Moo-Rical Burger
  7. Burg(Ur)
  8. Where’s the Beef
  9. MeatSack
  10. Facsimil-Eat
  11. Holy (Not a) Cow Burger
  12. Feel Good Meat Inc.
  13. Meat Cute
  14. The Bürger
  15. Investable Burger
  16. Patty Matter
  17. Fauxburg
  18. HYPEBEEF
  19. Beef-ish
  20. Squash the Beef, a burger made of squash

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