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Future ‘Barefoot Contessa’ Episodes as Imagined by an Ina Garten Superfan

These are not the ‘Barefoot Contessa’ episodes we’re getting, but they are the episodes we deserve

Ina Garten is ready to teach us how to cook like a pro again
Food Network

Cookbook queen Ina Garten is back, back, back again with another fabulous season of Barefoot Contessa: Cook Like a Pro, encouraging everyone that they, too, can make food as if they have a luxury Hamptons kitchen and a nice husband name Jeffrey. Garten made the announcement on Instagram that the new season will premiere this Sunday, April 21, at 11:30 a.m. ET/PT. on Food Network.

In past seasons, Garten’s celebrity friends — among them Jennifer Garner and Nigella Lawson — have stopped by the compound, but as per the preview, this season doesn’t seem to feature any celeb cameos. In lieu of their absences, I, one of Ina Garten’s most hardcore fans, politely suggest some dream episode ideas that will make up for any and all disappointments (as if we could ACTUALLY be disappointed in our supreme).

Barefoot Contessa: Cook Like a Pro producers: Please feel free to mine these for your next season.

A Big Barefoot Wedding

Ina and Jeffrey have been married 51 years, but in a world of seemingly constant celebrity vow renewals, there’s no reason they can’t do it all over again. To celebrate their anniversary, the couple can head to Paris for an extravagant photo shoot wherein Ina cradles fresh baked bread like it’s a newborn and Jeffrey stands behind her, the literal portrait of a supportive husband. Later in the episode, Ina surprises Jeffrey with a shoe box filled with miniature bottles of French spirits like Grand Marnier and Cointreau and brownies, an elevated ode to the treats that made him fall for her in college.

Barefoot in San Francisco

Barefoot is in the city of Golden Gate Bridge! Ina Garten visits a chicken farm with Salt Fat Acid Heat’s Samin Nosrat with the goal of butchering the birds themselves and making a roast chicken with the freshest ingredients possible. It’s dirty work (Ina’s signature button-down doesn’t take well to chicken blood) and after chasing the chickens for a few minutes, the pair gives up and heads to Popeye’s instead because even two stars of the food world can admit that Popeye’s is the best. Ina’s then joined by favorites from her entourage, including Michael the Florist, T.R. Pescod, and Neil Patrick Harris, who give her a gay tour of the city, starting with a drag show in the Castro and ending at the iconic Folsom Street Fair where Ina’s ruined button-down is replaced by one made of leather.

Barefoot in Disney World

As the title suggests, Ina goes to Disney World. To properly welcome my queen, the park has replaced all the flowers with orange tulips, Ina’s ultimate favorite. On the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, Ina climbs out of the boat to investigate the ale flagons and starts pouring whiskey sours (she obviously has a kit in her purse) for the robot pirates and her fellow riders because she wants everyone to know how great her cocktails are. Later, she wants to be splashy on Splash Mountain, but instead of water, she requests to get be sprayed with champagne because that’s what she deserves. Next, she uses her Fastpass to skip the line for the It’s A Small World ride, where she gets misty-eyed remembering her first camping trip in France. She ends the day riding in the parade with all the Disney princesses, and everyone is barefoot, including Cinderella.

Barefoot in Nashville

Barefoot visits the Music City for a hot chicken tour and finds herself at the legendary Prince’s Hot Chicken. Everyone dares her to order the spiciest one, and even though she clearly doesn’t want to, she orders it because how bad can it be? As it turns out, VERY bad. She starts to sweat profusely and tries to calm her tastebuds with yet another delicious whiskey sour. The next day, finally recovered, she meets up with Very Special Guest Dolly Parton at Dollywood to get sample moonshine — made with the best bathtub ingredients — and ride roller-coasters. Will Ina barf on Dolly? If so, I’m sure it will be elegant. She then goes to Taylor Swift’s house, where she’s obviously given Taylor’s best guest room.

The Next Barefoot Best Friend

Ina Garten loves to throw parties for her nearest and dearest, and many people — myself, especially — dream of an invite to one of her East Hamptons fetes. For the first time in herstory, Ina invites five superfans to compete against one another in the hopes of becoming her new best friend. Sitting in as Consigliere is RuPaul and you better believe that Mama Ru expects you to do more than lip sync for your life, especially if you want to hang with the Contessa. The contestants cook dishes to impress Ina, go through a series of interviews with Ina’s friends, and lastly, must impress Jeffrey enough to get his seal of approval. NO ONE is here to make friends... except the contestants, who are there to make friends with Ina. Who will win the honor? Stay tuned to find out, though the answer is obviously me.

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