If You’re Rich, You Should Absolutely Give Trick-or-Treaters Full-Sized Snickers

Halloween is around the corner, which means it’s once again time for everyone’s insufferable candy opinions. Usually those come in the form of debating the enjoyability of candy corn, or reminding everyone that, no, nobody is wasting their weed-laced chocolates or gummies on your children. But the conversation has escalated in a satirical post by Kevin Flanagan on an Elmhurst, IL community Facebook group regarding what candies are acceptable to give out to trick-or-treaters:

Halloween is officially 6 weeks away, and I was hoping to catch you all before you make your candy selections. Over the last three Halloweens, I’ve noticed my son’s candy stock has become more and more diluted with cheap candy. I don’t know if this trend is the result of the referendum, high water bills, or even the construction, but cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community for Halloween and it has to stop.

Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers may be suitable for Northlake, Villa Park, and Addison, but not here in Elmhurst. We are an affluent neighborhood and this status should be reflected in our candy provisions for Halloween. Standard size candy is the bar (pun intended) we set for our community on Halloween. If you purchased the fun size, you don’t need to return them. Just keep in mind that 3-4 of those fun size bars equate to a standard size bar when you dole out that candy to trick or treaters. [cont’d.]

The post is being circulated by the Twitter account Best of Nextdoor, which misidentifies it as a post from the Rancho Cucamonga Neighborhood Watch. Thankfully, its contents are applicable regardless of the affluent setting. Flanagan jokingly suggests that residents give out full size — or even king sized — candy bars, and god have mercy on anyone who gives out pennies. Quarters, at least!

But honestly, there’s something to the argument. Rich people should absolutely be redistributing that wealth, and in lieu of doing it through higher taxes to provide things like universal health care, they can do it through candy. Can you imagine the insult of showing up to a mansion only to pick from circus peanuts and those cowtail caramels?

Driving to trick-or-treat in other neighborhoods is increasingly common, as is rich people getting pissed off when poor kids who don’t live in their part of time show up asking for candy. But it’s time to put the trick back into trick-or-treat. Egg everyone in Silicon Valley if they don’t give you full bars of Mast chocolate. Demand imported Japanese Kit Kats. Don’t want to give away thousands of dollars in candy? TOO BAD. This is the Halloween tax and you, fancy person of Elmhurst or Rancho Cucamonga or Versailles, must pay it!

If we share one value on Halloween, it should be from each according to his ability, to each according to his desire for full Reese’s cups. We have nothing to lose but our Smarties.

Update: October 9, 2019, 9:33 a.m.: This article was updated to reflect that the original Facebook post did not originally appear on a Rancho Cucamonga community board, but was written by Kevin Flanagan from Elmhurst, IL.