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7 Things to Know Before Checking Into ‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’

It’s a show about a Greek club staffed entirely by American bottle service professionals

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Courtesy of MTV

It takes a special kind of person to open what is currently TripAdvisor’s 71st-best venue on the Greek island of Mykonos, and that person is Lindsay Lohan.

Those who don’t have the means to experience Lohan’s luxuriant brand of “nightlife, but during the day, and on a Greek beach” can direct blessings toward MTV. The network behind other maritime reality shows like Ex on the Beach and Floribama Shore has dutifully documented Lohan’s latest escapade for the creatively titled series Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club.

The series follows the child star-turned-object of morbid fascination as she oversees a mixed-use venue with a restaurant, “wellness corner,” and many beach cabanas, operated in tandem with her Greek friend named Panos, an investor and wearer of highly reflective sunglasses. Key to the series are nine Americans, flown in to work at the club for a summer as VIP hosts, attending to moneyed guests’ whims.

Perhaps surprisingly, the venue is not a frivolous vanity project executed for the sake of some attention for an adolescent-leaning reality television audience. It’s actually Lohan’s third hospitality venture — to avoid excessive media attention, she left the U.S. in favor of Greece, and opened a successful nightclub in Athens, as well as another beach “club” on the island of Rhodes.

Evidently, Lohan is a veritable hospitality maven, and while her life is certainly chaotic at times, this show does reset the scandal-plagued narrative around her. Here are some of the most notable take-aways from the show’s first few episodes — take note, and maybe you can become an ultra-rich celebrity with a beach club, too.

1. Lohan seems to be gunning for recognition without any of its associated baggage

Lindsay is clearly banking on star power to get customers into Lohan Beach House, but what’s a girl to do when that star power is affiliated with a speckled history that includes defending Harvey Weinstein, drunk-driving, and multiple stints in rehab? Easy: slap your name on everything, but stay out of the limelight. Lohan is nearly totally absent from the first episode of her own TV show, and in the second, she primarily appears from the safety of what looks to be a relatively secluded beach cabana.

Early on in Beach Club, Lohan laments that “people have always judged me for going to clubs, so I take it back and own it.” It seems she’s using “own” in quite the literal sense: If it wasn’t clear enough from the show’s name, and the word “Lohan” splashed all over the beach club, she owns this place. She’s a Serious Business Woman™ who has no time for tomfoolery, except for a well-produced version of it set up in conjunction with MTV’s producers and enabling her to perform as “tough boss.” Her staff are the liquored-up messes, and she’s the celebrity babysitter (who compares herself to Vladimir Putin, to boot).

2. For a luxury hospitality venture, it sure doesn’t seem to be the greatest place for guests

It seems that every time Lindsay appears onscreen, she utters the words “the Lohan brand.” Correspondingly, one might then expect a relatively high-class experience, or at least some good old relaxation. But this show comes from the home of luxurious productions like Jersey Shore and Date My Mom, so it’s perhaps unsurprising that the main aim may not be ensuring that guests have a fine experience at the beach house and its adjoining bar (serving 15 Euro “Lohan Coladas”). The customer may be always right, but really, aren’t they all just unpaid MTV extras who should be grateful to be paying 21 Euros for some frozen-then-grilled squid? Besides, Lindsay is spending the most here, so isn’t she the real customer?

3. And the club attracts a perplexing clientele

Lindsay’s crowd-drawing strategy seems to be appealing to literally every single demographic you can think of. The Beach House is described as “a place that combines family and parties... sexy but hippie.” After all, what could go wrong when you mix kids with heavy duty cabling for film equipment, copious alcohol consumption, a gaggle of hyper-sexual 20-something American imports getting naked, and Lindsay Lohan spraying a Champagne gun around?

To be fair, nothing disastrous goes down in the first few episodes, but the point stands: Would parents with young kids really want to spend vacation time around a gaggle of possibly drunk LA nightclub hosts? Does a VIP guest who owns a dog named “Sex,” and demands that his hosts wash his feet really want to be around kids? It’s a lose-lose situation for everyone — except possibly the drama-thirsty MTV producers.

Courtesy of MTV

4. Lindsay’s hand-picked cast seems to come exclusively from bottle-service clubs

Accompanying Lindsay are nine Americans, “hired” as VIP hosts to help run the beach club. This cast is strangely diverse-but-not-diverse: on paper, they come from a range of backgrounds, yet their day-to-day lives as bartenders, mixologists, barkeeps, hosts, VIP hosts, party promoters, club promoters, bartending party promoters, and VIP bartenders seem remarkably similar.

It’s probably intentional: Lohan’s right-hand man, Panos, explains that the hiring rationale was to get people from the “hottest cities in the U.S.” — that’s right before MTV cuts to footage of the first employee’s family home in spicy New Jersey. (To be fair, that cast member actually works in Los Angeles.) The remaining eight staffers come from a rainbow cross-section of American metropolises, including Los Angeles, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Los Angeles, and Denver. Also, only one of them speaks Greek, and they all look great in bathing suits.

5. One of those cast members is a virulent misogynist (and everyone dunks on him)

Perhaps the nicest thing to be said about cast member Brent, a Vegas party promoter who claims his nickname is “waitress slayer,” is that he says what he means. Not bothering to dog-whistle or even veil his misogyny and apparent feeling that women are objects for his pleasure, he makes comments like, “We are in a house of all ugly girls... I’m surrounded by twos.” He may also be somewhat homophobic, calling Lohan’s openly-gay investor Panos a “bitch” in one encounter. In a later episode, when he’s asked to be a sex object for a female guest, he gripes endlessly about it.

But the show’s editors know how to leverage Brent’s presence to their advantage. His boorish behavior is presented as the epitome of fragile masculinity, and his tough-guy act is portrayed as nothing but a series of toddler-esque tantrums. The women hate him, the men hate him, and even Lindsay seems to consider him pathetic, so it’s a true feel-good moment when one of the women pours a bottle of vodka all over him in retribution, cheered on by the entire cast.

6. Despite their VIP titles, the staff are mostly expected to debase themselves

It’s well-known that employees who appear to be forced into their tasks against their will will actually provide the highest grade of service, and that’s just what happens at Lohan Beach House. Most notable is Brent the hetero bro, who’s assigned to tend to flamboyantly homosexual fashion designer Lakis. The guest demands that his VIP hosts wash his feet — a recipe for drama of the sort that Lindsay says she doesn’t want at her club.

One episode later, the staff — expected to look flawless — are sprayed with by a Champagne gun-wielding Lohan, then taken to a club for a day off and promptly criticized for not working. Even the iciest heart would have to feel a little sympathy for the cast members’ never-ending string of no-win situations.

The staff are also expected to wear name tags, since nothing screams “luxury” quite like the visual equivalent of the phrase “Hi, welcome to Olive Garden, my name is Kelly, and I’ll be your server this evening.”

7. Now that it’s winter, the beach club seems suspiciously neglected

TripAdvisor screencap

Lohan Beach House has closed for the winter, and no doubt Lindsay and Panos had everything put in storage, cleaned it all up, and made it ready to welcome guests again this summer. Or maybe not: One TripAdvisor reviewer points out that they seemed to have missed a spot — a whole fish tank, in fact. Pity the staff who thought they’d spend summer 2019 mixing Lohan Espresso Martinis but instead get to pluck fish carcasses out of stagnant water, although it’ll doubtlessly make for great television, should MTV grant this mess a second season.
Lindsay Lohan Is Now a Budding Nightclub Empresario [E]

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