In theory, seltzer is extremely Meghan Markle’s brand. It’s healthy, “natural,” on-trend but not too trendy, and it won’t stain one’s beige Armani coat. In fact, it helps get stains out! So thrifty!
Which is why we are truly sorry to break it to Polar Seltzer, which just announced that its latest batch of seasonal seltzers includes a Vanilla Zen flavor “secretly inspired by our new American Princess the magnificent Ms. Markle”: Meghan would not fuck with Polar.
For one, we know that she already has a seltzer — sorry, sparkling water — of choice: Hildon natural mineral water, which is apparently stocked in both still and sparkling forms in her car and in 2017 was granted an official royal warrant, a distinction awarded to select companies who supply goods and services to Her Majesty.
Polar could only dream of getting a royal warrant.
If Meghan did veer off royal course (which she is wont to do, rogue door-closing commoner that she is), it would not be with Polar. Where LaCroix is the fashionable seltzer choice of Instagram influencers everywhere, Polar is the homegrown brand, the uncool New England staple with “dorky affectations” playing earnest catch-up on social media and bonding with its most devoted Star Market-shopping fans. It comes in a flavor called Unicorn Kisses.
It is barely sold in California, home of the yoga-loving, fish taco-eating duchess.
To give credit where credit is due, Polar is good. GQ recently named it the overall champion in its Ultimate Seltzer Showdown. But Polar is not the Meghan Markle of the seltzer world; at best, it’s the Princess Eugenie — known by the locals, dutifully present, in it for the long haul, trendiness be damned. She is trustworthy enough to be given possession of her own royal Instagram account. She does not, unfortunately, possess the Markle Sparkle.
And if Meghan did stock up on Polar as her seltzer of choice? There’s no way her signature flavor would be vanilla pomegranate. It would be green juice.
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