Since leaving HBO’s hit show Silicon Valley, actor T.J. Miller has returned to an old, weird hobby: writing hilarious Yelp reviews of businesses and stores. The curly-haired comedic blowhard has written takes on 23 businesses since 2009, ranging from a five-star assessment of Atlanta’s famed Cheetah Lounge (”I have rarely had such a pleasant daytime strip club experience“), to a three-star review of San Francisco’s Seoul Garden (“I wouldn't trust this place with my kids but I would trust them with yours”). The vast majority of his Yelp missives are five-star reviews, and a few of them even include photos of the actor endorsing these businesses.
If you’re a fan of the comic, his whole profile is worth a read, but for everyone else, here are his five greatest weird Yelp moments:
T.J. on the burger at Burger Joint in NYC: “You just bit into a winner. YOU JUST BIT INTO A WINNER I say to myself. I just bit the first bite of a gold winning Olympian medal winning fucking burger. Holy smokes. It happened, and now the only thing I have left to live for is to finish this burger and patiently await the next visit, so I can, in vain, try to replicate this unrepeatable experience. “
T.J. on the Furious Spoon, a ramen shop in Chicago: “I thought this place is about as delicious as it gets. I only give it four stars in the hopes that one day somewhere there will be something more delicious than that, that it does get more delicious than this. But until that day I think this is about as delicious as it gets.”
T.J. on Niu Noodle in NYC: “There was some sort of truffle business going on with oyster sauce in some dumplings or another but by that time I was so dumpling'd out, I forgot which goddamn dumpling I was eating! All I know is there was some fried egg around it and I wasn't callin' the cops about it! Because it was delicious — no crime committed!”
T.J. on The Palm steakhouse in LA: “I mean, this is as good as it gets while still having your in-laws complain. I of course couldn't hear them, because I was eating the best rib-eye and lobster combination of my life, and each time their voices began to creep into my ears I drowned them out with a perfectly made gin martini. The staff and servers are always going out of their way to make your dining experience memorable, and they hardly batted an eye when I demanded a third bib. They call me ‘Triple Bibs’ at the Palm now.”
T.J. on Rasa, a Malaysian restaurant in NYC: “So this is our first time eating at Rasa, and they made us feel at casa. That means home in Spanish! We ordered only sashimi and explained that we were in a hurry because we are going to get our feet attached our heads at 4 p.m. They didn't understand that at all, because it wasn't true or real, but boil oh boy were they accommodating to our rush. The miso soup came out so fast we thought we had peed it up thru the table!”
Also of note: Miller’s review of a Manhattan pet store called Doggy Style include a topless photos of the actor with his cat.