Dear Heinz, Chicago Does Not Want Your ‘Dog Sauce’

“Chicago is an amazing city full of traditions — of them, as you well know, is never putting Ketchup on your Chicago Dog,” reads an oddly capitalized press release. It continues: “While Heinz respects this time-honored tradition, the brand is hoping that Chicagoans will reconsider their anti-ketchup stance.”

Nah. Chicago’s good.

Heinz’s new “Chicago Dog Sauce” — a limited-time-only cheap marketing ploy that disguises the company’s normal, bland ketchup with a new label — is an insult to Abe Froman and the rest of Chicago’s encased-meat community.

Here’s some Chicago-style sauce for you, Heinz. It might be too spicy for you to handle: Even after after the Cubs won the World Series (a.k.a. hell freezing over), it’s still unacceptable for “Chicago Dog Sauce” (MADE IN PITTSBURGH) to touch a Chicago-style hot dog.

Grilled onions and sport peppers can be optional. But “the salad on a bun” (mustard, pickle spear, neon-green relish, tomatoes, celery salt, raw onions) is a masterpiece. Don’t ruin the Mona Lisa with cheap red lipstick.

No one here cares about that “random” sample of gullible tourists who deemed this behavior acceptable. These traitors were caught on film along the lakefront. They might as well be Packers’ fans.

Ketchup is for french fries and for the enjoyment of children in Chicago. Deal with it.

Ashok Selvam is a Chicago native and senior editor of Eater Chicago. He takes his wieners seriously.

• Heinz Develops ‘Chicago Dog Sauce’ for the City That Won’t Put Ketchup on Its Hot Dogs [Adweek]