Oh hello, Australia, good to see you. Thanks for coming down here today, please have a seat in the circle here.
No, there is not a surprise party for Zimbabwe — that was a lie, and this is an intervention. You’ll notice that all of your closest friends and colleagues are here. New Zealand cancelled a fringe festival just to attend this meeting, and Brazil and Switzerland postponed what sounds like a pretty epic soccer game to make it here today.
First of all, to be clear, we’ve all got nothing but respect and admiration for you and your contributions to food and culture on the whole. And if this wasn’t communicated before, let it be stated for the record that everyone around the world was laughing along with you at that joker talking about how kids these days will never afford houses because of avocado toast. That fellow is way off his rocker. Avocado toast is awesome, now and forever — and you helped us see the limitless possibilities of this brunch dish.
The reason why we’re gathered here today is because recently, we couldn’t help but notice that some of your chefs and baristas started flirting with novelty items like lattes served in avocados and carrots. Last summer, we saw you brewing vegemite beer and Smurf coffee. And now, it has been brought to our attention that you are producing a dessert called Glownuts, with frosting that glows in the dark:
It’s hard for us to see this as anything but a cry for help.
We’re not here to judge you — many of us in the room today have dabbled in the Lisa Frankenfoods craze before, and we know, firsthand, that it can be a slippery slope. One day you’re mixing green algae with cream cheese to add some mermaid panache to a piece of toast, and the next thing you know, you’re knee-deep in jimmies and horse-shaped shortbread pieces because you’ve been on a five-day piñata cookie bender.
Our advice to you is to put down the neon green yuzu glaze, take a good, long look in the mirror, and think about all the wonderful foods that you can create without falling into Instagram thirst traps. We’re happy to set up a sponsor for you — maybe Dominique Ansel, who learned the hard way that not every dish has to be a Cronut. Sometimes you just make a croissant or some burrata ice cream and call it a day.
And if you’re ever find yourself feeling sad or insecure, remember that there are plenty of people around the world who love you for the wonderful edible flower that you are, no glow-in-the-dark Vitamin B-infused icing necessary.
• Sydney pastry shop makes incredible glow-in-the-dark DOUGHNUT for Vivid festival [Daily Mail UK]
• @blackstarpastry [E]