Walmart Invents the Crotilla, a Mashup Literally No One Asked For

By the year 2048, the only edible substances left on Earth will be man-made hybrid foods portmanteaued within an inch of their lives: Cronuts! Cragels! Joffee! Appropriately, Walmart — which by that time will be one of only three mega-corporations that rule the world — is preparing for this dystopian culinary future by unveiling a new cross-bred baked good: the crotilla.

Though it may sound like a species of rare Australian crocodilian, according to the retail behemoth, it’s a mashup of a croissant and a flour tortilla: a flaky, layered affair that can be wrapped around taco filling, used as a pizza crust, transformed into a dessert, or (probably) worn as a hat. "This is destined to be the hottest mashup since tweens started asking for Labradoodles,” the company said in a statement [ed. note: SMH].

Here now, a list of things the crotilla resembles:

1. Roti paratha
2. The outside of a Taco Bell chalupa
3. A scallion pancake without the scallions
4. Millennial bait
5. A desperate maneuver to capitalize on the success of pastry whiz Dominique Ansel

And a list of things the crotilla does not resemble:

1. A croissant
2. A tortilla

Marketing! Ain’t it grand?

• Walmart’s New ‘Crotilla’ Is a Croissant-Tortilla Hybrid [Brand Eating]
• Cronut Knockoff Names, Ranked [E]