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Guy Fieri's Accessories Game Is So on Point It'll Make You Bleed

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The best lines from Esquire’s new Fieri profile

Guy Fieri Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for Glazer Palooza

Because the world can truly never have too many Guy Fieri features, Esquire has fixed its eye upon Food Network’s most outlandishly accessorized talking head. Writer Jason Diamond, a self-admitted Fieri superfan, treks to Flavortown to meet the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives host, examining Fieri’s dedication to “real food for real people” and the so-called “Fieri effect” that’s boosted business for countless restaurants. (He cites one particular restaurant that claims its sales shot up by 500 percent after appearing on “Triple D.”)

Here now, the best lines from Esquire’s profile of the chef most likely to actually eat something off a flipflop:

On Fieri lookalikes: “Some people confuse him for a member of Smash Mouth or Insane Clown Posse.”

On how meeting Fieri can be painful: “He greets me with an enthusiastic fist bump. (Later I notice a nick on my knuckle oozing blood from where I grazed my hand on one of his impressive signet rings.)”

On the chef’s signature accessory: “I have a small rush of panic that shoots through me — like when I worry I left the house with the faucet running or forgot to feed the cats — when I can't find his famous pair of white sunglasses, usually perched on the back of his head. “

On that somewhat menacing-looking bleached blonde hairdo: “It sticks so straight up that you could imagine him lowering his head and charging toward a line.”

On knowing his audience: “A French-trained chef with a Michelin star would probably rather feed whatever Fieri makes to dogs, but that's never been who he was cooking for. “

On the true purpose of those sunglasses: “The shades he wears don't shield his eyes from the sun; they're there because his star shines fucking bright.”

The Unrecognizable Genius of Guy Fieri [Esquire]
Without His Trademark Blonde Spikes, Guy Fieri Is Just a Regular Dad [E]
All Guy Fieri Coverage [E]

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