A Brief History of Crimes Against Guacamole

Chipotle fans know all too well that “guac costs extra,” and no one cares because it’s the best thing on the menu. The burrito chain may now use pre-cooked steak, but its guacamole remains a bright spot: freshly made, a little chunky, and seasoned with lime, salt, red onion, and little else.

So if a gigantic chain with more than 2,000 locations and a poor food safety track record is capable of serving respectable guac, why are so many others insistent on willfully screwing it up? Call me a purist, but as one of nature’s most perfect foods, the avocado needs little help. It certainly doesn’t need peas, fruit, seafood, or an overpriced vessel to serve it in.

Here now, just some of the many crimes committed against guacamole in recent years, because if we do not learn from history we are doomed to repeat it.

January 2014: Bon Appetit runs a recipe for guacamole containing chopped celery, which it claims will somehow “keep your teeth happy” (even as your brain is screaming “no,” apparently).

February 2015: A copy of musician Jack White’s tour rider containing a very specific guacamole recipe is leaked by student journalists at the University of Oklahoma. It contains almost as much tomato as avocado and is suspiciously chunky.

June 2015: British grocer Marks & Spencer reveals Brusselmole, a strange breed of not-guac made with Brussels sprouts. Stick to mushy peas.

July 2015: The New York Times sets off an internet frenzy when it publishes a recipe for guacamole containing mashed green peas. The leader of the free world Barack Obama quickly denounces said recipe in a tweet. The #GuacGate scandal even sparks outrage from the NYT’s own staff, one of whom tweets, “I can’t believe we spent all those years building up credibility only to spend it on this.”

August 2015: One-time presidential hopeful Jeb Bush hawks a $75 guacamole bowl on his website. The so-called “Guaca Bowle” looks suspiciously close to the kind you can pick up at any restaurant supply store for around $3.

Jeb2016.com

September 2015: This very website publishes a recipe video suggesting sea urchin makes a suitable garnish for guacamole — for a tailgating party, no less.

October 2015: The website Latin Kitchen runs a recipe for guacamole de calabaza. It may sound legit, but don’t be fooled: It’s pumpkin spice guacamole. Amazingly, time and space do not collapse in on themselves.

February 2016: Model and overall famous person Chrissy Teigen releases her first cookbook, Cravings, to overwhelmingly positive reviews. What these reviews fail to mention is that the book contains a recipe for guac that contains shredded cheddar cheese.

September 2016: People’s food vertical features a recipe for Granny Smith apple guacamole, courtesy of one-time Food Network star George Duran; he claims the inclusion of apples “gives it a nice, subtle sweetness that you’ll crave.” Have we learned nothing?

Here’s NYC chef Alex Stupak with a super-easy guac recipe involving an unusual piece of equipment: