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Guy Fieri-Ted Cruz Erotic Fiction Is Here and It's Terrifying

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Does the world really need this?

Wikimedia Commons, Flickr/Gage Skidmore

Guy Fieri was, as usual, standing in front of the mirror he'd tricked out with flame decals, admiring his forehead oils. Poised between the licks of flame, he truly looked like a creature from hell. This was his design. This was the expression of his will, as fixed and immutable as the switches of his pale, greased spike crown of "hair". He licked his finger, and tasted nothing.

The previous excerpt is from a short story called "Frosted Tips," which chronicles a romantic tryst between kulinary kool dood Guy Fieri and failed Republican presidential contender Ted Cruz. Authors Lana Adler and Talia Lavin describe the literature as "erotic fanfic," but why anyone would be a fan of Fieri and Cruz, two of America's more obnoxious citizens, coming together is hard to fathom. Just how erotic is this story? Very:

Then, after a moment of sopping, squelching grunts, they knew the moment had come. There was no turning back now. "WE ARE THE KINGS OF FLAVOR TOWN!", they screamed, in simultaneous orga —

OK, let's just stop right there. No need to go any further.

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