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Natalie Nelson

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The Highly Anxious Herbivore’s Guide to Moral Vegetable Consumption

Rules for overly considerate non-carnivores

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hen you eat a grape, don’t let the others watch. A lone grape should be removed from the bowl, taken from the room, and consumed, one at a time.

Before peeling and eating your pear, form a bond with it. Take it for walks. Dust and shine it daily. Allow it to sleep in bed with you.

Beans are scared of the dark; as a result, many of them cry uncontrollably when canned. This is why most recipes tell you to drain canned beans before eating them.

Baby carrots and baby corn are considered minors, and should only be consumed when accompanied on the plate by a vegetable seven inches or longer.

When preparing to boil artichokes, take a kitten and pretend to place it in the pot. Then set the kitten down and put the artichokes in the boiling water instead. The artichokes will die unburdened, because artichokes have big hearts.

Researchers have discovered that avocados are very proud, and that they appreciate it when restaurants charge extra for guacamole.

Diners are advised to gently suck on celery instead of loudly biting into it, as the crunch causes anxiety in the yet-uneaten celery stalks.

It’s disrespectful to put pitted olives on the end of your fingers and pretend they’re little people before eating them. It’s acceptable to eat pitted olives submerged in martinis, however, because the alcohol makes them black out.

Strawberries hate each other and prefer to be stored in individual containers. However, the shared terror of being eaten actually brings them closer together, if only for those final few seconds.

Studies show peaches don't give a damn. About anything. Slice them, chew them, flambé them, turn them into cobblers. Peaches refuse to weep. Peaches are fair game.

Jon Methven is the author of the novel Strange Boat.
Natalie Nelson's first picture book, The King of the Birds, will be published by Groundwood Books in September 2016.
Editor: Matt Buchanan

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