Your waiter has a lot to say about how you behave. Or at least Darron Cardosa does; he's the humorous voice behind the popular blog the Bitchy Waiter, and now an author of a book of the same name. Inside the book (which hit shelves earlier in April), Cardosa shares stories from his years in the restaurant industry, offering up advice for how customers ought to behave in restaurants ("Stop making out in restaurants") and explanations for why servers behave the way they do ("Seating incomplete parties requires us to make individual trips to that table over and over again instead of getting all the drink orders in one fell swoop").
Cardosa also has plenty to say about children in restaurants. "It's not easy for a person to admit he doesn't like children," he writes in the opening to a chapter dedicated to the pint-sized restaurant-goers. "It's practically taboo to admit that you find children as endearing as a case of herpes, but I challenge anyone to wait tables for a few months and not at least consider the notion." Below, Cardosa's 10 rules for kids at restaurants:
10 Things Children Should Not Be Allowed to Do in Restaurants
1. THEY SHOULD NEVER LEAVE CEREAL ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE, because I don't want to sweep that up.
2. THEY SHOULD NE VER TRY TO ORDER FOR THEMSELVES when they can't read a menu and they don't like to talk to strangers, because I am in a hurry and don't have time for that.
3. THEY SHOULD NEVER SPILL THEIR DRINK after they refuse to accept a cup with a lid on it, because I will scream, "I told you this would happen!"
4. THEY SHOULD NEVER LEAVE THEIR DIRTY DIAPERS anyplace other than the trash can, because it lets the world know they have awful parents.
5. THEY SHOULD NEVER JUST SIT THERE IN THEIR STROLLER like they own the place, because I don't want to be judged by a two-year-old.
6. THEY SHOULD NEVER REQUIRE ME TO DO EXTRA WORK, like walk all the way to the back of the restaurant to get a high chair or a booster seat, because it means I will then have to wipe down that high chair or booster seat, and I'm not in the mood.
7. THEY SHOULD NEVER PROMISE THEY WILL ONLY USE THE CRAYONS ON THE PAPER, because as soon as I turn around they will break that promise and use them on the wall.
8. THEY SHOULD NEVER SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS, because it makes it impossible for me to concentrate on really important things, like making coffee and rolling silverware.
9. THEY SHOULD NEVER RUN ALL OVER THE RESTAURANT, because you never know what they might run into or what I might drop on them by "total and complete accident."
10. THEY SHOULD NEVER SMILE IN THE SWEETEST WAY or say something really cute, because it makes me feel like an asshole for saying how much I dislike children.
The Bitchy Waiter: Tales, Tips & Trials from a Life in Food Service, by Darron Cardosa and published by Sterling Publishing, is out now.