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Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders — or, as some prefer to call him, Bernie Sandwich — has earned himself a reputation for being rather shouty. See, ol' Bern is awfully passionate about issues like free college tuition, universal healthcare, and climate change, and sometimes that means he's got to yell about it.
The 2016 presidential election is getting more intense by the day, but thankfully there are parody Twitter accounts like @berniethoughts to lighten the mood. Brought to you by a New York-based writer named Spencer Madsen, you can almost see the vigorous hand gestures Sanders would be using to emphasize the thoroughly ridiculous all-caps statements. As Madsen explained to Mic recently, he thinks of Bernie's voice as being "overwhelmingly earnest, if a little strange," and his version of the passionate politician also has a lot of opinions about food.
Here, the most thought-provoking statements from the mind of @berniethoughts in 140 characters or less — but first, a textbook example of Bernie's impassioned way of speaking, which is precisely the tone in which all these tweets should be read.
Is there a corn dog conspiracy theory at work at the highest levels of the U.S. government?
TURNS OUT CORN DOGS ARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 17, 2016
Yeah, what is the deal with one-percenters and their relentless juicing?
EXPLAIN TO ME CARROT JUICE
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 17, 2016
As a self-proclaimed socialist, perhaps it's not surprising that fake Sanders might consider dipping his fries in mayonnaise, European-style:
I KNOW I HAVE NOT MADE MY STANCE ON DIPPING FRENCH FRIES IN MAYO CLEAR—BUT IT IS A COMPLICATED ISSUE
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 16, 2016
Bernie contemplates the mystery of pizza:
WHAT IS PIZZA BUT AN OPEN FACED SANDWICH? WHERE DOES IT END
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 14, 2016
As a Brooklyn native, Bernie knows the truth about bagels:
GROCERY STORES ARE NOT WHERE BAGELS COME FROM
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 14, 2016
Eggs, man.
DO NOT DENY THAT EGGS—AS A FOOD—ARE DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 13, 2016
If you're having trouble deciding who to vote for, perhaps you should take culinary preferences into consideration.
ASK HILLARY IF SHE ORDERS HER DUMPLINGS STEAMED OR FRIED AND TELL ME WHO YOU WANT TO VOTE FOR
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 12, 2016
What does Bernie eat to refuel after campaign rallies and debates?
BACKSTAGE BETTER HAVE RICE PUDDING
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 12, 2016
This admittedly would be more entertaining than another Democratic debate:
ASK HILLARY AND I EACH TO COMPETE LIKE THEY DO ON CHOPPED AND LETS CALL IT A DAY
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 12, 2016
Hold on, somebody check Bernie's voting records on this.
I AM VERY PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAVE NEVER SUPPORTED THE USE OF SOUR CREAM IN AMERICAN CUISINE
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 12, 2016
Existential thoughts on candy bars:
THE KIT KAT IS STRONG BUT STUBBORN—WHERE OTHERS BEND, IT BREAKS—BUT THE REESES IS SOFT IN THE MIDDLE—SAFE INSIDE ITS CUP
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 11, 2016
Greek yogurt is probably stressed due to the uneven wealth distribution in this country.
WHY MUST GREEK YOGURT BE STRAINED—WHY CAN'T IT RELAX
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 8, 2016
How many cups of coffee had fake Bernie consumed when he came up with this one?
COFFEE IS HOT BEAN JUICE—I'M NOT MAKING A CRITICISM SO MUCH AS A REMINDER
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 8, 2016
Okay fake Bernie, time to step away from the keyboard.
IS THE LINE BETWEEN SOUP AND SODA BLURRY TO ANYONE ELSE
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 7, 2016
Bernie on the culinary phenomenon that is broth:
BROTH IS FOOD CRYING
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 5, 2016
A brief window into what the Bernman does in his spare time:
AN INTERN WALKED IN ON ME HAVING TYPED "FOOD" INTO GOOGLE'S IMAGES AND SCROLLING SCROLLING SCROLLING
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) February 1, 2016
Now this is a government regulation we can get behind:
I PLAN TO REGULATE THE PERCENTAGE OF CANTALOUPE ALLOWED IN THE VAGUELY NAMED "FRUIT SALAD"
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) January 31, 2016
Maybe one of Bernie's acts as president can be to send Sun Chips into space to meet their maker.
SUN CHIPS KNOW NOTHING OF THE STAR FOR WHICH THEY ARE NAMED
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) January 31, 2016
Don't we all.
I BOIL MY POTATOES TO EXPRESS MY TOTAL DOMINATION OVER THEM
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) January 28, 2016
Under Sanders's regime, Bobby Flay will be forced to answer for his sins:
AS PRESIDENT I WILL MAKE BOBBY FLAY APOLOGIZE IN GENERAL FOR THE GENERAL THINGS ABOUT HIM AND THAT HE HAS DONE
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) January 24, 2016
And condiment treachery will be a thing of the past:
UNDER MY PLAN BY 2018 AMERICA WILL BE 100% FREE OF PRODUCTS THAT SEEK TO COMBINE HUMMUS AND GUACAMOLE
— Bernie Thoughts (@berniethoughts) January 19, 2016
THOSE GUILTY WILL BE HELD RESPONSIBLE