Taco Bell’s Jewelry Is a Unique Declaration of Love

With 13 days left until Christmas, and Hanukkah starting right before, desperation for gift ideas may be setting in. What does one buy for somebody who has it all? Fear not — you can be pretty sure few people own most of the items in Taco Bell’s store.

Highlights include pairs of Taco Bell rings, available in gold, silver, and copper. They’re basically wires twisted into the words “taco” one on ring and “bell” on the other, in a looping cursive script. Truly committed lovebirds would keep one ring and gift the other to that special someone, as a tangible dual reminder of their undying bond, and their devotion to Doritos Locos tacos.

Other highlights at the Taco Shop include a USB flash drive sneakily designed as a hot sauce packet — but with only two gigabytes of storage for $15, a better option would be to purchase a cheaper drive with much greater storage, and stuff it into a rinsed-out hot sauce sachet.

There’s also a $25 beach towel that also the virtues of TB’s hot sauce — although confusingly suggests ingredients at Taco Bell include “sass,” “pride,” and “authenticity,” in place of xanthan gum, potassium sorbate, and sodium benzoate.

Disappointingly, there is no tiara option available for the prince/ss in your life, although Burger King has had that covered for years now.

In case you weren’t already disappointed enough in consumer society, Taco Bell is hardly the only chain to diversify beyond mediocre food served quick. For the wealthy businessperson in your family, Burger King’s Whopper Shop will sell you branded golf balls for more than $4 apiece. Or for the number one fraudulent liar in your life, you can even buy a pin that suggests the wearer has worked at Burger King for 20 years.

Pizza Hut, meanwhile, seems to be cornering the “hip youth” market in its “swag” store, most notably with its “Pizza is Bae” hoodie, accompanied by the capital letters note that it is “not to be worn by Pizza Hut employees during work hours. These items are not approved uniforms.”

• Taco Shop [Taco Bell]
• Whopper Shop [Burger King]
• Pizza Hut Swag [Pizza Hut]