Ah, Thanksgiving. The annual holiday when distant aunts, uncles, and cousins crowd around the dinner table to eat their weight in deviled eggs and sweet potatoes, and fiercely argue about politics, religion, and, every four years, our president-elect. This year, when your distant aunt Martha wants to discuss her boycott of the hit Broadway show Hamilton (who are we kidding, she never would have found tickets anyway) or talk about how "that Mike Pence fella is really going to turn this country around," maybe just try changing the subject.
Food is a great topic because A.) everyone eats it and B.) that Adele song is now so overplayed it no longer works as a Thanksgiving miracle. Also, changing the subject is more effective than giving Gramps the death stare after he waxes poetic about his love of Breitbart, or flipping the table Real Housewives-style when Cousin Rachel starts in with her Hillary Clinton conspiracy theories. Plus, everyone around the table is sure to have passionate opinions about Domino’s new fleet of pizza delivery reindeer, and likely none of them involve politics (unless, of course, Aunt Martha wants to deport the reindeer, in which case, you’re out of luck).
Below, 15 ways to sneak a few recent wacky food headlines into Thanksgiving conversation — and none of them involve Donald Trump.
1. "Domino’s is delivering pizza via reindeer now! That crazy Domino’s — what will they think of next?"
"Soon, it will just land at your doorstep!"
"Oh no, Grandma, Domino’s already does that."
2. "Cousin Rachel, I see you’ve been Instagramming the hell out of some fall foliage. Did you know Wrigley’s even makes a pumpkin spice gum now?"
3. "Grandma, have you SEEN Martha and Snoop? Here, let me DVR it for you. Yes, Dad, we all know you smoked weed when you were younger."
4. "Mom, remember your celebrity crush Alton Brown? He has an internet cooking show now."
5. "Cousin Brad, I know how much you and your frat bros love Chipotle — did you hear about the recent avocado shortage? Guac is already extra enough, amiright?!"
6. "Did you guys hear about the new Cheetos-branded bronzer? Please don’t give it to me for Christmas, Dad. Seriously."
7. "Aunt Edna, I know how much you love your morning tea — did you know you can now spray it directly into your mouth thanks to the wonders of aerosol?"
8. "Cousin Becky, I heard you’re planning to study abroad in Italy — I dare you to try the Nutella burger while you’re there. No, I don't think it’s gluten-free."
9. "Mom, have you given Sparky any of that new canine wine yet?"
10. "So, Brad, I heard you’ll start looking for jobs soon. Life post-college is tough. Ever think about going the professional banana-decorator route?"
11. "Did anyone happen to catch that new Ghostbusters movie? Apparently Japan celebrated with a marshmallow-stuffed burger."
12. "Aunt Edna, this turkey is ... so interesting. You know, Butterball has a help line for this kind of thing."
13. "So, Dad, I noticed you’ve been growing a goatee. And is that your sporty new hatchback in the driveway? Look, I know no one wants to think about getting older, but even the Most Interesting Man in the World had to retire."
14. "Well, it’s official. I’ve decided to quit my job and crowd-fund for my next binge meal."
15. "Um, who brought this hummus? Has anyone been eating it?! Okay, Grandma, put down the pita chip. I’ve got some bad news for you..."