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America’s Weirdest Restaurant Is the Texas Rangers Ballpark

Behold: The smoked brisket-mac-and-cheese-caramel-popcorn mashup no one asked for

Texas Rangers Facebook

Peanuts and Cracker Jacks are so, so over. Today’s ballpark food is a mishmash of savory, salty, sweet, spicy, crunchy, and flat-out ridiculous. At least, that’s the case at the concession stands at Globe Life Park, home to the Texas Rangers. On Monday, the Rangers unveiled a selection of new food items for their postseason run and, well, they’re completely absurd.

According to a press release, the new items featured as part of the Rangers’ playoff run include the following, ranked on a scale of Burger King Mac N’ Cheetos to McDonald’s Pumpkin Spice Fries.

The Popcornopolis Pita: A pita stuffed with “Texas-size portions” of smoked brisket and mac-and-cheese, topped with caramel popcorn. Rank: Whopperito.

The Atomic Burger: A cheeseburger with two pounds of meat, and all the fixings (and, in this case, “fixings” means Ghost Pepper cheese sauce). Rank: McDonald’s Angry Birds Burger

The TamArlington Dog: To be fair, this really isn’t a hot dog at all. Okay, so it contains a hot dog, but it’s hidden inside a tamale and topped with chili and nacho cheese. Rank: Domino’s Fish Stick Pizza

The N.E.Q. Sandwich: A Philly cheesesteak topped with provolone cheese, fried jalapeño slices, onion rings, waffle fries, fried mozzarella and white queso. Served with Captain Morgan dipping sauce, because why the hell not at this point? Rank: Pizza Hut Grilled Cheese Pizza

Arguably the most absurd of the bunch is the Popcornopolis Pita, which Sports Illustrated likened to “what it looks like if you dropped all the ingredients on the ground and then tried scooping them up together.”

Several Rangers fans have taken to Twitter to express their displeasure with the new food choices, but perhaps none summed it up quite as nicely as this:

New Food Items Available at Globe Life Park During Postseason [Release]
Texas Rangers Unveil Absurd Food Combinations for Postseason [Sports Illustrated]
Stadium Dining Guides [E]
All Novelty Foods Coverage [E]

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