Even if you strategically plan out your entire day of rides and rollercoasters down to the minute, deploying the FastPass+ reservation system and taking advantage of the parks' early-open/late-close Extra Magic Hours, you're still going to reach a point at Walt Disney World where you get off a thrilling ride, lurch out unsteadily into the sunlight, and say to yourself, "God, I could really use a drink."
For the most part, you won't have far to go: in three of the resort's four parks, you can pick up a beer or a spiked slush at almost any cart or restaurant. But why take any more steps than you absolutely need to? Here's our guide to the closest alcoholic beverage near every major Disney World attraction.
RIDE: Slinky Dog Dash, the cheerful Toy Story coaster
DRINK: An aptly named and black cherry vodka-splashed Grown-Up’s Lemonade of at Woody’s Lunch Box
RIDE: Spaceship Earth, Epcot's flagship ride (it's the one inside the giant Bucky Ball), a slow-moving journey through human technological history.
DRINK: Electric Umbrella is an entirely unremarkable restaurant, save for the fact that it's a two-minute walk from Spaceship Earth, and they sell a strawberry margarita.
RIDE: Soarin', a flight simulator that lets you feel almost like you're really hang-gliding over the world’s famous sights.
DRINK: There's a full selection of wine and beer at Garden Grill, which is in the same pavilion as Soarin' — you don't even need to leave the comfort of your air conditioning.
RIDE: The Tower of Terror, a Twilight Zone-themed elevator drop that's arguably the second-most fun thrill ride at Disney World.
DRINK: Steps outside the ride's exit is the Tower of Terror Coffee Cart, where they're happy to spike your iced cappuccino with Kahlua.
RIDE: Rock 'n Roller Coaster, an Aerosmith-themed roller coaster.
DRINK: Stagger out of your Steven Tyler-themed loop-de-loop limousine and head right to Fairfax Fare for a Bud Lite.
RIDE: The Great Movie Ride is nearly 20 minutes long. You're going to need a drink afterwards.
DRINK: The closest booze to be found is inside the ABC Commissary, where your best bet is a fruity Chardonnay.
RIDE: Like all Muppet-related things, Muppet Vision 3D is just deliriously fun.
DRINK: Hang a hard right head to Mama Melrose Ristorante Italiano. There's often a cocktail kiosk set up outside, but if not, head indoors for a 2-ounce pour of Sambuca.
RIDE: Besting the Tower of Terror, the Himalayan-adventure-themed roller coaster Expedition Everest is Disney World's best ride.
DRINK: There's sometimes an Everest Cart set up right outside the coaster's exit, where you can shotgun a Kingfisher Lager to calm your post-ride nerves. If it's not there, head over to one of the Yak & Yeti stands for a Safari Amber.
RIDE: Kali River Rapids, a water ride where you're likely to get more than a little damp.
DRINK: Dry off with a Kirin from Yak & Yeti Quality Beverages.
RIDE: Kilimanjaro Safaris is a beautiful, immersive wildlife tour. You'll need a drink afterwards to deal with your guilt over how much humans are ruining the earth.
DRINK: Kamu Kamu Coffee Shop is technically closest, but spring for a fancy drink at Dawa Bar, like a Berbere-spiced "African Bloody Mary."
RIDE: Avatar Flight of Passage, a mind-melding 3D experience that’ll leave you raving about Na’vi characters from the decade-old movie.
DRINK: A 22-ounce green Ale at Pongu Pongu, just outside the gift shop exit.
RIDE: Pirates of the Caribbean, the ride that launched a thousand movies.
RIDE: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, a mining-car themed roller coaster.
RIDE: Splash Mountain, source of the internet's weirdest coaster pictures.
RIDE: Haunted Mansion, definitely not the same thing as Tower of Terror.
RIDE: Seven Dwarfs Mine Train, literally another mining-themed roller coaster.
RIDE: Space Mountain, the granddaddy of them all.
DRINK: Every sit-down restaurant at Magic Kingdom now serves alcohol. Grab a table, and if you land at Cinderella’s Royal Table, get an entire bottle of Cuvée Dom Pérignon Brut. You've earned it.