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'Parts Unknown' Scotland: Just the One-Liners

Anthony Bourdain's 21 best quotes from a visit to Glasgow and the Scottish Highlands.

Courtesy CNN

So far in season five of CNN show Parts Unknown, host Anthony Bourdain has already visited Korea and Miami. Next up is a trip to Scotland, where he visits Glasgow and the Scottish Highlands. Even though Glasgow has a reputation for being "the most violent area in the UK," Bourdain is a huge fan of the city: "From my very first time, it was Glasgow, my favorite city in Scotland, one of my favorite cities on Earth."

During the episode, Bourdain discusses the city's propensity for violent behavior, eats all kinds of deep-fried food (including haggis), and visits a pub built in 1510. He then heads off to an estate in the stunning Scottish Highlands that's only accessible by boat, where he spends his days hunting with writer and Sunday Times restaurant critic, A.A. Gill. And throughout the trip, Bourdain experiences a number of Scottish traditions, including eating a dish of bread sauce and getting "blooded" — having blood from the first dear you kill smeared all over your face.

Here now, the 21 best Bourdain quotes from Parts Unknown Scotland:

1. On Glasgow's unrest: "[There's a feeling] that in the corridors of power in London and Edinburgh, they just don't give a shit about Glasgow."

2. On Scotland's love of Indian food: "Typical Scottish fare, Mother India. A lamb curry simmered in spicy tomato gravy, served with traditional Scottish naan bread."

3. On feeling safe in Glasgow: "I've never felt uncomfortable here. I could be wrong, in that after a few drinks, I notice that I don't understand anyone. They could be making various threats of violence to me at the bar, and I could just be smiling and nodding."

4. On America's beliefs on how to treat criminals: "We're very fond of throwing people in prison. To suggest otherwise would be seen as coddling criminals."

5. On treating criminals with compassion: "First of all, that's not what I would expect to hear from somebody who has spent 38 years as a murder police... that we should hug these little bastards? That we should make them feel like they are worth something? Everything you have been saying is no way to run for office in my country."

6. On Glasgow's reputation: "Look, I don't want to give you the impression that Glasgow is an impoverished wasteland filled with violent hooligans and gang members — an impression shared by many candy-assed Europeans for sure, and a reputation that many Glaswegians are only too happy to perpetuate."

7. On the rough-and-tumble nature of Glasgow: "Let's face it, Detroit or New Orleans, most American cities, make this town look like Club Med by comparison."

8. On piss-taking: "What I find most endearing in this town is that if you're a native, you're probably an expert at taking the piss. A high-level style of ball busting that approaches an art form around here."

9. On Lobster Thermidor: "I can't pass up ocean liner continental classic from days gone by, like the fabulously unfashionable tyrannosaurus rex of seafood dishes, Lobster Thermidor."

10. On Glasgow's culture: "They say Glaswegians have more fun at a funeral than people in Edinburgh have at a wedding."

11. On what Glasgow will always offer you: "If you're looking for a beer and a beating, Glasgow will happily provide it."

12. On fighting a Glaswegian: "The toughness thing is no joke. If you ever try to choke a small Glaswegian into unconsciousness as I have — long story — let me tell you, it's like wrestling with an angry fire plug — it's nearly impossible. Also it hurts."

Photo: Bourdain learning knife defense techniques.

Photo: Bourdain learning knife defense techniques.

13. On why knives are the weapon of choice in Glasgow: "Access to guns is extremely difficult here. So Scottish hoodlums, unable to dispatch their victims with the kind of speed and efficiency as we enjoy in the good old USA, have had traditionally to resort to the knife to do its maiming and killing the old country way. One person at a time."

14. On his love for the University Cafe: "A happy place from my past, where once I frolicked young and carefree in the field of frialated arts. The University Cafe, where I learned at the foot of the masters the dao of hot fat and crispy batter."

15. On his order of fish and chips cooking: "Haddock, battered and floating adrift in a sea of mysterious, life-giving oil. The accumulated flavors of many magical things, as it bobs like Noah's Arc, bringing life in all of its infinite variety."

16. On deep-fried haggis: "My personal favorite. Sinister sheep parts, in tube form in this case. And if you don't like chopped up liver, and lungs, and all that good stuff, believe me, the curry sauce sets you right."

17. On a dish of curry sauce-covered fries: "The combination of french fries, or chips in the local dialect, with curry sauce and with cheese, is perhaps a bro too far. Guy Fieri in a kilt."

18. More on said bro fries: "I'm pretty sure God is against this."

Photo: Bourdain and Gill

Photo: Bourdain and Gill

19. On haggis' reputation: "There is no more unfavorably reviled food on Earth than haggis. Its ingredients are in fact no more unusual, or bizarre, or unappetizing, than any hot dog you ever ate. How many anal glands are there in a chicken nugget?"

20. On deer stalkers (people who help hunt deer): "If you are like us — of course, two murderous aristocrats looking to put some venison on the table — you need help. Professional help."

21. On the long hike down the hill after hunting: "The walk down [the hill] is even harder. Knees screaming, face crusted with dried blood. I'm looking to warm fire, some strong whiskey, and some good country-ass cooking."

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