Everything You Need to Know About Jack White GuacamoleGate

Pallid rocker Jack White is pretty pissed after some enterprising college students leaked a copy of his tour rider containing — amongst other ridiculous parameters — an extremely specific recipe for extra-chunky guacamole. The full contract in all its glory was posted online by the University of Oklahoma student newspaper The Oklahoma Daily just days before White was scheduled to perform at the college on Monday. Though the show went on as scheduled, the college has now been blacklisted by White's agency. Here now, a blow-by-blow explanation of what is clearly one of the greatest scandals of our time:

What else does Jack White's tour rider reveal besides the fact that he prefers extra-chunky guacamole?

Although Jack White prefers his ("high-quality") prosciutto "freshly sliced," he requires his salami be kept whole and served alongside a "sharp knife." Jack White has an extreme thirst for Fiji water, as evidenced by his requirement of 36 500-milliliter bottles in his dressing room (sorry Jack, OU only serves Coca-Cola products). Jack White also drinks Bulleit 10-Year Bourbon, Stella Artois, and Veuve Clicquot, though the rider's request for said items was rebuffed with a simple "NO ALCOHOL" note. (Perhaps Jack White would have had better luck hitting up an OU frat party after the show.) Also, "NO flourescent or ultraviolet lights," as it really does not flatter Jack White's complexion (probably). But perhaps most important is the all-caps stipulation that this is a "NO BANANA TOUR." Really, "[they] don't want to see bananas anywhere in the building."

How did the student paper get a hold of the contract in the first place?

For this we can all give thanks to the Oklahoma Open Records Act, a set of laws which, per the OU Daily, "requires any public entity of the state of Oklahoma, such as OU, to respond to request for records. OU must respond to requests for records involving the administration of public funds or transaction of public business, including budgets, faculty emails and other records" including, apparently, contracts for musical performances held at public universities.

Why was Jack White's team so pissed about the publication of said contract?

Pissed might be somewhat of an understatement. According to the OU Daily, OU has essentially been "blacklisted" by Jack White's booking agency, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment, who also represents artists like 2 Chainz, Kid Cudi, Alicia Keys, and Pharrell Williams; the agency reportedly "said they won’t book anymore bands or other talents to come to OU because the article mocked Jack White and they don’t want any other artists treated that way."

SPIN posted a follow up statement from Jack White's management company, Monotone Inc., which calls the OU Daily's actions "unfortunate, unprofessional, and very unwelcoming." That statement also attempts to shift attention away from Jack White himself, saying, "Contrary to what some believe, Jack doesn't write the rider nor make demands about his favorite snacks that must be in his dressing room. We're not even sure he likes guacamole but we do know that the folks who work hard to put on the show do enjoy it." Additionally, Jack White himself reportedly said to the audience during his OU show, "Just because you can type it on your computer doesn’t make it right." Sick burn, Jack.

How did the student paper defend its decision to publish the contract?

In a followup story posted following Jack White's performance at the college, the OU Daily asserts that the initial reason they requested a copy of the contract was to find out how much White was being paid. The guac recipe and "no banana" policy, it seems, was purely an unexpected bonus:

Journalism must hold public figures accountable. By our university paying White and his band $80,000 to play on campus, he is a public figure. Also, the university officials who booked White were public officials tasked with managing money, some of which comes from students' fees. We reported the costs so students could see how their money was being spent, who was spending and on whom it was spent.

As for harm, no harm was done to White unless you count his ego. But it's important to understand that we didn't publish that information to embarrass White. We published the information because students need to know how their money is being spent - even if it's being spent on homemade guacamole and aged salami with a sharp knife.

Hold up, is that even a good guacamole recipe?

According to the budding recipe testers over at Buzzfeed, the so-called "Jackamole" turns out more like a chunky avocado salad than the expected creamy dip. But really, who are we to question one man's taste in Mexican food? The fact that Jack White's $80,000 performance fee could buy approximately 40,000 orders of guacamole at Chipotle is entirely beside the point.

Why does Jack White hate bananas so much?

Yeah, what does Jack White have against such an excellent source of potassium? The world may never know.

What is the takeaway from all this hullaballoo?

Per the OU Daily's opinion editor:

To recap: Jack White hates the OU Daily, lawyers, journalists and OU's smoking ban. He loves guacamole, philosophy classes and rocking out

— Kaitlyn Underwood (@kaitunderwood) February 3, 2015

How does the internet at large feel about GuacamoleGate?

While Jack White may have drawn the ire of one college newspaper, the internet isn't entirely made up of jerks. In fact, he seems to be receiving an outpouring of support on Twitter:

I hope Jack White's guacamole recipe wins a Grammy tonight.

— mariett (@evilhag_96) February 8, 2015

I'm team #JackWhite. If some college publication leaked my moms secret chicken salad recipe, she would slit your throat in the dead of night

— Wells Adams (@WellsAdams) February 7, 2015