Every Item on the ‘Star Wars’ Menu at Disneyland, Taste-Tested

In honor of Star Wars: The Force Awakens as well as the massive IRL land they're building, Disneyland has temporarily turned Tomorrowland into a nerd's wet dream, filling the futuristic corner with movie props, videos, Darth Vader meet-and-greets and even a baller gift shop selling $3,000 Yoda statues.

The most important detail, though, is that Disney has transformed quick-service restaurant Galactic Grill into a full-on Star Wars-themed outpost, making it as close as you can get to chowing in the cantina before the full themed park section (hopefully) opens later this decade.

The breakfast menu [Photos: Carlye Wisel]

The menu is expansive, but don't fall for nonsense like the Jedi Order Sandwich or Cheese-3PO Burger — they're just regular fast food items with fun names. The actual themed eats range from Mexican breakfast to black bun burgers with some delicious and terrifying treats in between, and lucky for you, we gave them all a shot:

Darth Tamale ($8.49)

The pun-intended breakfast is surprisingly delicious, especially when you realize you're devouring a spicy, pepper-stuffed blue corn tamale at the base of the Matterhorn instead of stuffing handfuls of cotton candy in your face and calling it breakfast.

The salsa has a serious kick, the theme park eggs aren't bad (believe it!) and the chorizo in red chili sauce tastes like lunchroom cafeteria meat sauce in a fun, nostalgic way. The tamale itself is surprisingly spicy and delicious, particularly when you discover the cheese stuffed inside and mix it all with the crema and tomatillo salsa.

Ambitious without failing, it's far superior to the drunken Mexican food you ate last weekend — and easily the best thing on the Star Wars menu.

Bantha Blue Milk Bread ($8.99; $6.49 for children's portion)

You know when your evolutionary instincts signal something is a bad idea, like jumping off a Hawaiian cliff or dating a professional model? This breakfast is exactly that. It pairs possibly the most nightmarish color of food with a pile of mediocre morning delights, and doesn't raise the bar so much as claw its way towards meeting it.

The swirled, sugary bread is sweet and dry like Mexican pan dulce, and should be restricted to only a child's undeveloped palate. (The turkey bacon it's served with is basically a dog chew toy, so avoid it at all costs.) It looks more fun than it tastes, but when you add the whimsical fun of eating one of the few foods mentioned in the movies, it's almost worth sopping another bite in a river of pre-packaged maple syrup. The whole thing is basically a complex carbohydrate sugar cake, but hey! You're at a theme park! That's the point!

First Order Specialty Burger ($11.49, $19.49 with Han Solo Carbonite Bucket)

Oh, what disappointment on an intergalactic scale. They came so close with this one because if the patty was better, this could be a damn fine burger. Instead, the chorizo and angus beef blend is suspiciously hockey puck-round and not much softer, like a veggie burger that was frozen and defrosted in an office microwave, yet somehow made with meat.

Everything else — the cilantro aioli, the chewy black bun, the delicious fried peppers — is solid, but the latter sadly wind up soggy from the mix of it all, like a jalapeño popper that drunkenly fell in a pool. The whole thing actually wound up being pretty gloopy, which is a major bummer because if George Lucas could create this world in the dark ages of computers, we should be able to get a hamburger right.

Give it a try for the Darth Vader-colored bun — never fear, this one won't turn your turds green — and absolutely, most definitely upgrade to the bucket. Your memories of the sad patty will fade, but this themed tchotchke on your desk will make the rest of the office nerds hella jealous.

The Pastry Menace ($4.49)

You ever notice how the word "donut" sounds a bit like a warning of "do not"? Heed this warning. This Darth Maul-themed pastry only looks menacing because it appears like it was left at a grocery store pastry counter two weeks back and somehow never wound up in the garbage.

Though the almond-specked design does look similar to Darth Maul's head, it simultaneously brings to mind the sort of failed Dunkin' Donuts seasonal offering that's just days away from being pulled off shelves. The red icing has the consistency of dried glue, and once your mouth unfortunately makes it past the hard pastry exterior, you'll soon discover the eclair's filling, where all five senses will alert you that something most definitely has gone wrong. The pale brown goop-like filling tastes less like spicy chocolate and more like you accidentally ate your way through a diaper, which, thankfully, you won't have to discover like I did. It's awful, it's unexpected and you never want to see it again — making it the perfect homage to Star Wars: Episode I.

Darth By Chocolate ($5.99)

I'm saying it now: your tasting course restaurant has nothing on this Star Wars sugar parfait. I want to take a box of them home, deep-freeze them and bust ‘em out every year like wedding cake on an anniversary — but much more enjoyable, because I won't have to share.

The chocolate ganache on top is wonderful, the mousse is fantastic, the Oreo layer perfectly balances the sections and even the base layer of red velvet is spot on. Oddly enough, the only downside is the bittersweet chocolate Darth figurine, which tastes like horrific hotel pillow chocolate and should be thrown out immediately. The rest, in comparison? Absolutely divine.

Be sure to grab a Jedi partner or two if you're ordering this one, because the name is wildly accurate — I spooned so much of this rich, wonderful dessert into my face that I basically keeled over in the Main Street Starbucks from sugar crash cramps. FIVE STARS!