On last night's episode of the recently renewed Parts Unknown, host Anthony Bourdain went to New Mexico in search of an answer to that eternal question: red chile sauce or green? Along the way there was much discussion of cowboys versus Indians, proper alien probing techniques, Frito Pie, gun shooting, and much more. And now, on to the Quotable Bourdain; feel free to add your picks in the comments below.
1: On Route 66: "Route 66 was decommissioned, chopped up, largely forgotten except by desperate and lazy travel show hosts."
2: On tacos: "Does anyone else on CNN do this? Drive around at 10:15 at night looking for tacos?"
3: On driving by neon signs for motels: "You can imagine Dennis Hopper huffing nitrous and dismembering somebody over an unrolled tarp in any of one of those sinister looking motel rooms. Cool."
4: On plans for the evening: "Hopefully the tacos come first because after you do the meth you aren't really going to want to eat."
5: On the dice hanging from his rear view mirror: "In ancient times, early drivers would hang the testicles of their enemies on their rear view mirrors."
6: On shooting guns: "There's a dark little genie in all of us I think that wants to pick up a gun, point it at something, and blast away."
7: On his skill shooting cans of beer: "When the zombie apocalypse comes, I'll be ready. As long as they're holding beers."
8: On a suggestively shaped rock formation: "They call it the rabbit. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about." Then: "Jesus, I'm in my 50s and still making dick jokes. I'm going to find a distinguished segue into adulthood one of these days."
9: On how he takes his coffee: "Ah who am I kidding, I'm a city boy, I need the cream. Trying to get all Jack Palance here come on, who am I kidding."
10: On Frito Pie: "As American as apple pie, or the Manhattan Project, and nearly as deadly."
11: On Frito Pie: "Canned Hormel chile, and dayglo orange cheese-like substance dropped like a deuce (another roller in the night) right into a bag of Fritos. It feels like you're holding a warm crap in a bag."
12: On Frito Pie regret: "After only six minutes I have reached a depth of loathing it usually takes a night of drinking to achieve."
13: On red versus green sauce: "It's like Yankees or Mets, you gotta pick one."
14: On a super spicy green sauce: "I believe they use these same peppers in pepper spray."
15: On the techniques of aliens: "There won't be any probing will there? Any time there's alien stuff there's always probing. Always with the probing. I don't understand, if they've been coming here for years, haven't they done enough probing?"
16: On an old school whole hog roast called a metanza: "It's pretty much an old school version of a barbecue, in the sense that it involves burying a giant pig and the imbibing of much alcohol."
17: On drinking: "I believe, to the best of my recollection anyway, that I soon made the classic error of moving from margaritas to actual shots of straight tequila. it does make it easier to meet new people."
18: Again on alien technique: "Why is it that any time an alien visits America, there's always anal presentation involved." (The guy he asks says he's never heard of that.)
19: On New Mexico: "If you were to stretch a little bit, you could say that New Mexico is a perfect metaphor for America. It is a total mutation. It's got Spanish, Mexican, original American, and add a tinge of radioactivity. This is what America really is."