On last night's episode of Portlandia, the baristas of Portland were fed up and held a secret, underground meeting to develop a coffee shop manifesto. Or, as Fred Armisen's character describes it, "a manifesto against customers and management." It's decided that the rules "need to protect us as the artists that we are," so that means things like "no chatter at the counter," "no bathroom use before you order," "no cellphones," and "no questions." The final list is briefly flashed — some of it is hard to make out — but below, the video, and the baristas' Coffee Shop Manifesto.
Portlandia's Coffee Shop Manifesto
1. Cell phones are not to be used or the coffee will be abused.
2. Unattended children will be given an espresso and a puppy.
3. Know what you want before approaching the counter, no questions should be asked.
4. The coffee is never too hot. You spilled, get over it.
5. Whipped cream is for kids. Foam is for adults.
6. Take your headphones off when ordering.
7. Don't ask me what's playing right now. We are a coffee shop, not a record store.
8. Do not ask me what's good. It's all good.
9. It's espresso, not expresso.
10. I don't know what the WiFi password is. Don't ask.
11. Open your mouth! Also shut up! Get out!
13. Bus your own table. We are not a restaurant.
14. This is not a hangout shut your mouth.