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The Layover's Toronto Episode: Just the One-Liners

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[Photo: Travel Channel]

Last night's episode of The Layover found host Anthony Bourdain in Toronto, trying to avoid arguments over whether poutine is better in Toronto or Montreal. He had lots of sandwiches, went record and knife shopping, made fun of Celine Dion, and got all meta while filming a hangover scene. Also there was bone luging. Now, on to the Quotable Bourdain — feel free to add your picks in the comments below.

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1: On the architecture of Toronto: "It's not a good looking city?it got sort of the worst architectural fads of the 20th century." He points out the window. "That's crypto fascist Bauhaus. Mussolini would've been perfectly fine in that one."
2: On Toronto's nickname Hogtown, and the slaughterhouses that used to be there: "If you listen you can almost hear them screaming through the ages. I'm hungry."

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3: At the knife store: "I find this experience very frustrating because there's a little voice in my head all the time saying 'You must have all of these.'"
4: On some very expensive "tactical" knives: "That's a personality altering knife. Movies are made about knife like that. They talk to you: 'Don't leave me in the drawer, Tony. Use me. They're talking about you Tony, they don't respect you. Teach them a lesson, Tony.'"
5: On what he's bringing back to New York: "The customs people are going to be so confused by me. I've got like Winx dolls for my daughter, comics books, and knives."

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6: At a dive bar: "Would Celine Dion be welcomed here or mocked?"
7: On the resourcefulness of Torontonians: "So MacGyver would be the ultimate Torontonian."
8: On why you should eat poutine in Toronto: "Just what your drunk Montreal ass needs when you've been out too late in Toronto."
9: When asked whether the poutine is better in Toronto or Montreal: "I'm not getting involved in that."
10: On spicy food to prevent a hangover: "That shit will sober you up, and your burning anus tomorrow morning will serve as a warning to never get so drunk again."

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11: On the aftermath of his show filming at hidden gems: "Generally this show is part of a destructive process, regardless of our intentions. So, uh, don't come here."
12: On improv: "Nothing I love more than some improv. Actually, no, I hate improv."
13: On nightfall: "Evening approaches, like the slow crawl of the wounded bonobo dragging himself across the jungle floor with a knife between his teeth and a bad attitude."

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14: Eating horse tartare: "So my daughter is reaching that age where she likes ponies, so now I can bring her here. Here's your fucking pony right here."
15: On bone luging: "I am aware of this practice by the way. It is extremely antisocial and against all standards of decency, so we should probably do it."
16: On the aftermath on bone luging: "I'm gonna wake up tomorrow all drunk and hungover and covered in fat. Again. I hate when that happens."
17: On being hungover on an airplane: "Have you ever tried vomiting in an airplane bathroom and you're 6'4"?"

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18: On filming the last scene of the episode: "The hangover scene. So, here we go, let's play out this dreary sham of a scenario one more time, just in case we haven't beaten it to death for like eight years."
19: On being sick of filming hangover scenes: "Oooh, I'm so hungover. What will I do to mitigate the results of my hilarious chronic alcoholism?"
20: On the jokes he makes: "Time for a poop joke? Diarrhea joke? My ass is burning joke? Nah."
21: Things get a little dark: "Insert artery clogging joke here, right? Yep. How about fingers and toes falling off jokes. Too harsh? Nope. Got gout?"

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22: On what really happens in Canada: "Whoever is in charge of promoting Canada abroad completely has their heads up their asses. It's all like bears and swatting salmon. I'm not doing any of that."
23: On Toronto's nickname: "Hogtown. Hogtown, eh? Fuck your town, and my town, and Funkytown and Flavortown for that matter, bitches. I want to go to Hogtown."

· All Layover Coverage on Eater [-E-]
· All Anthony Bourdain Coverage on Eater [-E-]

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