On last night's season premiere of The Layover, host Anthony Bourdain took a dive bar tour of Chicago. There were also hot dogs and baseball talk and Italian beef sandwiches along the way, as well as a stop by Stephanie Izard's Girl and the Goat and Paul Kahan's Publican. Also, he drove a Cadillac in the episode. It was a big old boat of a vintage Cadillac, and not the shiny new one that enraged Bourdain when it was cut into clips from No Reservations to form what appeared to be an endorsement, but still. (The Travel Channel told the Chicago Sun-Times they didn't receive any money for the use of the Caddy and it was the show's decision to use it.) And now, on to the Quotable Bourdain — feel free to add your picks in the comments below.
1: On the idea of a Chicago layover: "First of all: most layovers in the great city of Chicago are involuntary, because there are few airports you want to be in less."
2: On O'Hare: "O'Hare International Airport: one of the great airport shitshows on the planet."
3: On the restaurant options at O'Hare: "If you're eating in the airport, bring an extra pair of underwear I guess, in case you brown out your shorts for some reason. You don't want to be stuck in an airplane with a pant load of crap, that's for sure."
4: On where he's staying in Chicago: "Swank as all get out. The industry gold standard in big ass, comfortable beds. I'm staying at the Four Seasons motherfuckers!"
5: On the Cadillac he drives in the episode: "Hey buddy, make room for an American car."
6: On why he picked the car: "Whenever I'm in Chicago — city of big shoulders, as they call it — I need a big ass, gas guzzling, made-in-America car to drive in it. Maybe that's just me."
7: On how they do things in Chicago: "They do things big, big I tells ya: Mike Ditka big. Michael Jordan big. Bill Murray big. Oprah! It's one cultural Mt. Everest after another."
8: On deep dish pizza: "Inexplicably, in spite of their general excellence in food, drink, music, everything really, their most famous cultural export is the appalling deep dish pizza. Irony being, in a town where everything is great, they're most famous for something that sucks."
9: On Chicago: "This is a city without an inferiority complex."
10: On a painting of Sarah Palin by Bruce Cameron Elliott at the Ale House: "My one critique of the Palin picture is that I'm going to say with reasonable degree of certainty that she waxes."
11: On properly poured beers: "It is a good and wonderful thing to be poured a drink by a true professional."
12: On the toughness of various cities: "'I'm bringing my Portland crew and we're really gonna fuck these Chicago guys up.' Eh, probably not."
13: On Chicago chef/restaurateur Paul Kahan: "How is it possible to be like a really nice guy, serve great food, and make money? Usually one of those is missing."
14: On drinking: "You don't talk about drinking, you do it. For God's sake."
15: On doughnuts: "Generally speaking, I don't give a fuck about doughnuts. I like coffee fine, but not like in a cast of Friends way where it's an afternoon's fucking entertainment."
16: On the origin of doughnuts: "My personal theory: doughnuts were invented by Stalin to weaken our country from within. Erode out state of military readiness. Destroy the flower of our youth."
17: On doughnut burgers: "By the way, do not put a burger between doughnuts. Jesus definitely doesn't want you to do that."
18: On museums: "I like museums. I know it might not look like that as I seldom am seen going into museums and of course I do constantly advise you to avoid them. But not in Chicago."
19: On the Museum of Surgical Science: "I'm obsessed with trepanning kits. I want one! This headache is killing me."
20: On the scary old fashioned surgical devices: "It was not always a good thing when the doctor came visiting in the 19th century."
21: On Simon's Tavern in Andersonville: "Decorated in what might be called mid-period viking, old wood, you walk in the door here it's like getting a big, boozy hug from Pippi Longstocking."
22: On Chicago style hot dogs: "By my way of thinking, the Chicago Red Hot is the finest hot dog on the planet. There, I said it, and I meant it. Now fuck off."
23: On drinking malort: "So there's a possibility that I could get all stabby and belligerent."
24: On "modernist" cooking: "Of all of the cities in America, Chicago for some reason embraced modernist cooking to a degree that no other city in America did."
25: On the Girl & the Goat: "You must give food writers fits because you're very hard to pin down geographically."
26: On pig face: "I love the taste of pig's face in the evening. It tastes like victory."
27: On Italian beef sandwiches: "There's something a little awkward about going up to a grown man and saying, 'I'd like some Italian beef. Hot, sweet, and wet, my good man.' To which his response was, 'Make it juicy.'"