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The No Reservations Dominican Republic Episode: Just the One-Liners

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Photo: Travel Channel

For the penultimate episode of No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain traveled to the Dominican Republic, a place he says fans have been begging him to go for years. While there, he ate all manner of fried things, tons of seafood, a sauce referred to as Viagra, and lots and lots of pork. There was also a helicopter ride to a beachy paradise and some nearly dangerous travel via four-wheeler. Below, on to the Quotable Bourdain — feel free to add your picks in the comments. Next week: the last episode of No Reservations ever finds Bourdain in Brooklyn.


1: On what most people know about the Dominican Republic: "Most vacationers know it simply as an island of pristine white beaches, all-inclusive resorts, tropical drinks, and liberal attitudes towards cash for sex."
2: On the icy beers preferred in Santo Domingo: "How do they get the beers so cold here? It's really unearthly."
3: On the clientele of a restaurant: "So wait a minute, you're saying politicians come here and yet artists hang out here? Where I come from, artists are seen as sources of sedition and anti-state thinking."


4: On who goes to the beach: "Families, kids, teenagers, hookers, everything, everybody."
5: On what you can do at the beach: "You can rent a bathing suit? Wow. I'm not doing that."
6: On the candidates for the next election: "I gotta tell you right away: I don't know either of these guys, but I'm worried about someone who calls himself Papa."
7: On how people know it's time for a feast: "When the congas start banging away, everybody knows there's pork cooking."


8: On trying a condiment nicknamed Viagra: "Just cause I'm curious, not because, you know."
9: On chicharrón: "That's $28 in New York, I'll tell you right now."
10: On whether or not he's arrogant: "No, I know nothing. I wallow in ignorance."
11: At the lechonera: "All right, well while this guy gets stabby with the pig, let's get some fucking beer."


12: On watching the guy cut up the meat at the lechonera: "The atmosphere at Lechonera el Monumento is rather minimalist, but they do feature a floor show."
13: Again, on hacking up the pork: "Man you don't ever want to miss with that thing, do you? One miss and your career in pork is pretty much over."


14: On breakfast: "In the Dominican Republic, they do this: a crazy-ass, how-did-that-happen concoction of fried?what would one call it? Salami? Bologna?"
15: Again, on breakfast: "Before you start pointing fingers, you might look down at your Lucky Charms or your bright pink, razor sharp Crunchberries, but even I gotta admit: this is breakfast?"


16: At the beach: "Places like this, there's always a dog. I think they're all in the same extended family, too, all across the Caribbean. They all look the same."
17: After being told the flies mean it's fresh: "In New York when the flies are on it it means the old lady in the next apartment is dead."
18: Just making things up about lobster: "This species lobster is indigenous to this area. Known for its freakishly large penis, which it's known to thrust into tourists unexpectedly." Guide: "That's what they say about Dominicans."
19: On spending a day at the beach: "Did I hear that annoying pina colada song echoing somewhere in my skull? Why, yes, yes I did."


20: On getting work done in paradise: "It's just torture, I woke up this morning and looked out my window and was like, I have things to do today?"
21: On riding a four-wheeler: "I have bad history with these things, I know, but daddy always said, horse throws you, you get right back on and ride."
22: On what's for lunch: "Tempted to pick up a few steaks by crashing headlong into a cow, I'm dissuaded from such foolishness by Jerry who promises me a seafood meal."
23: On not dancing with stars or anyone else: "I was offered Dancing With the Stars. Two years in a row they offered me to be on that show. Someday, after I appear on Celebrity Rehab, I might consider Dancing With the Stars."
24: On what he likes: "You know what I like: I like a late night counter filled with locals where I can get some meat, and maybe a little grease or fat, and some cheese, preferably melted, and maybe some other stuff in between some good bread. That's what I like."


· All No Reservations Coverage on Eater [-E-]
· All Anthony Bourdain Coverage on Eater [-E-]

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