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Top Chef Masters Episode 9: The Witch Is Dead

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To thoroughly enjoy the glory that is Top Chef Masters, we welcome chef Eddie Huang, who will be here every week to take us through the season.

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This was a pretty mundane throw away episode. You’d think that they would have some tricks up their sleeves for the last Quickfire before the final episode, but the elves tried to sell the hour on family and nationalism. It was cheesy. I mean, how many reality shows are we going to watch about people being reunited? Can someone make a dark comedy reality about people being isolated from their families forever?

We could kidnap people from Jersey, put them on boats, and then drop them off on remote islands where they harvest sugar. Then we broadcast it back to their families and watch them cry. Sick, yes, but who doesn’t want to watch Snooki working salt fields? Or like, “The Supreme Ruler” starring Kim Jung Ill. Take The Apprentice All-Stars and see if they can work for Uncle Kim. Fucking dope. “YOU MAKE-A THE SOON-DOOBU OR I DRY CREAN YOU TO DEAF!”

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Either way, Quickfire this week was to work side by side blind where the chef had a mystery partner. The chefs gave instructions and the mystery partner had to make the dishes with just verbal instruction. Kinda interesting to see how the dishes turned out. For the most part, they were very similar. Floyd’s sister could chef, Traci’s brother was great, and Mary Sue had an almost identical dish with her sister. But Naomi? This girl was extra crunchy.

She started railing this old dude that was supposed to make the dish and it kinda bugged every one out. At the end, it was revealed that it was Naomi’s Dad. She was so happy she lactated.

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Traci wins, woo hoo, it means nothing, just another 15 minutes to sell ads. On to elimination, which was making food for Servicemen and women coming home. TEAM AMERICA FUCK YEAH! It’s a great idea, but if I was coming home from fighting Mongolians, the last thing I’d want to do is eat with Top Chef. I’d much rather come home to THIS Dothraki celebration:

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Traci makes an interesting point, she says “I can make fancy French food more easily than meatloaf. This will be challenging.” It’s cool that she is open about it. I don’t think either high or low is better or more difficult, it’s just different. Cool to see someone of her caliber lift the veil a little. Floyd on the other hand is nauseating with his Captain America schtick. From the moment they announce that they’re cooking for Servicemen, Floyd just jizzes his pants and the Elves cut in a ton of footage with Cardoz next to the American flag and all that jazz. We get it, we know what you want us to think. Yes, Americans, like gummy bears, come in many colors, awesome. Get on with the show.

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For the welcome home, something seems off. There’s this giant Australian man welcoming soldiers back to America? Couldn’t Naomi just jump out of a cake like Under Siege?

And? I win, Steven Seagal reference in this week’s Top Chef Recap AMAZEBALLS. Naomi was pretty hilarious this episode, as all the soldiers get introduced she says, “I look up and I see my Serviceman and I’m like ‘hey, cool, I gotta cut this iceberg.’” I actually liked Naomi for five seconds there. Then every one looked at Oseland and thought, “Who invited the creepy long fingered dude from South Park?”

The food was blahze. My favorite dude was from Hawaii, he wanted poke (raw tuna salad) and SPAM. Reichl asked him, “What was the food like in Afghanistan?” Oh, yes, Ruth, while sitting in a spacious concrete loft with telephone cords strewn across the floor, I dined with this gentleman wearing a potato sack on his head. We had a delicious field green salad with camel’s milk ricotta and confit bullet shells. Instead, he says stone cold, “We had a lot of Kebabs.” #DEAD. Really, the dude said KEBABS, I shit my pants I laughed so hard and then invested in bamboo skewers. With this whole Arab Spring going on, we’re gonna need a lot of skewers for those kebabs.

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Traci busted out the ugliest plate of food I’ve ever seen on TV, but luckily they followed it up with Restaurant Girl. Baby Fran Drescher’s hair just keeps getting better. WOOP.

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In the end, Mary Sue won, every one loved her ribs and then Curtis Stone stood on stage with a pass to Universal Studios that had nothing to do with anything, but I’m sure they bankrolled another 100 cases of Quickfire wine, so, good job guys.

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I wonder what Bravo does with all this money? Is there a Mugatu Scholarship foundation or does the President spend it all at Madame Wong’s? For real, if you go to Madame Wong’s you will see the entire cast of Project Runway on any given night and then there’s this strange Asian guy asking the DJ to play more dipset? that would be me.

Even though Floyd doesn’t win, his serviceman comes over and gives him a coin. He says that this is how they show love. Floyd bites hook, line, and sinker, then proceeds to cry and looks like a sad Yogi bear. Dude, I know you’re dots not feathers, but don’t go the way of the Buffalo. Last time a serviceman gave an Indian beads, they lost Manhattan. That’s not what’s poppin homie.

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The judges beat up Naomi for undercooked shrimp and Traci for an ugly plate. Traci defends it saying, it was down home Americana. No, that looked like some shit I ate at 33rd St. Jail last time I got booked.

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You should never eat anything that atrocious unless you’re wearing orange flip flops and a jumpsuit with no draws cause the shit chaffes your balls so hard you don’t care what you’re eating. Then they tell Floyd he could have done more to the steak and that his salad was muddled but out comes the coin?

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You silly, silly man, you can’t even use that shit to play street fighter! “Losers always talk about coins, winners go home and fuck restaurant girl.” – Nicolas Cage. Then my favorite part of the whole season? NAOMI GOES DOWN!

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The witch is dead! The witch is dead! She gets sent home just in time for what used to be freaknik. I know it sucks that freaknik is dead, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make it clap all summer boo. I want a photo with your ass at Meatopia. Like, literally, just my face, your ass, dents and all. Dimples make the ass smile, don’t lose those. Till next time, peace, love, and cocoa butter.

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