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Top Chef Masters, Episode 6: Poopchiladas

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To thoroughly enjoy the glory that is Top Chef Masters, we welcome chef Eddie Huang, who will be here every week to take us through the season.

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I’ve been dreading this episode since last week. There was a teaser where Floyd Cardoz starts geekin’ about getting to cook for Maroon 5 and how cool his kids are gonna think he is. Dude, your son is probably gonna be just as pissed as he was in week two when you told America he likes eating meatballs. I’m sure he went to school the next day and Cartman told every one he liked balls in his mouth. Now he’s the loser who likes Maroon 5. Trust me, you’ll love Heems, rep that Das Racist please. You oughta know by noooowww...

Look at me, Floyd, I got a tattoo of Jin’s face on a cupcake on my ass because Chinese Cupcake People Tattoos are awesome. If you want to be a futuristic parent like my moms, send emails about chopsticks:

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My mom should really have a book. Jessica Huang presents “Mighty Healthy: How to Avoid Bamboo Chopsticks, SARS, and Other Hazardous Chinatown Shit.” I literally had no idea who the fuck Maroon 5 was. Attached is a photo of my itunes playlist where Maroon 5 could have been between “Droppin Science” and “Jeep Ass Niguh”. Please excuse my Mase collection. #HarlemWorld

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The quickfire was seven minutes in heaven. They had seven minutes to use really expensive ingredients to transport the judges to heaven. Instead, they transported them to Peru. Every one basically took shellfish and put it in citrus. The only cool part was the way people ran under time constraints.

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Here’s Floyd doing the “where’s my nearest NY Sports club so I can drop these kids off in the pool” run. Poop was a constant theme this episode. Just a heads up. Hugh kinda came hard with the jokes this week. He made what he called “the most elaborate cat food of all time.”

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Feed the animals, Hugh, feed the animals.

The twist was that the contestants had to judge each other, which was dope because for once, we got to see people go at each other. It’s like the NBA Playoffs, they haven’t actually started until Delonte sleeps with someone’s mom. Good shit tonight, Bron Bron. I’d say wetting Pierce with those 3’s makes up for Delonte Donuts giving your mom herpes.

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Naomi shows a heart and votes Traci’s dish 1. Traci then equally respects Naomi and they almost scissor. Hugh gave himself 7, the lowest score, then gave Mary Sue a 5 and when pressed on why, he said, “because it was better than mine by 2.” Funny. I realized what Hugh’s problem has been. For 5 episodes, even if he was funny, he was never as funny as his unibrow. Look, some people climb Mt. Everest, others are funnier than their unibrows, congrats, Hugh, you done did it man. Hugh = 1; Unibrow = 0.

Thankfully, every one proved to have some semblance of taste and agreed that Celina Tio makes food that is somewhere between cat food and hot trash. I’m so fucking upset she’s half-Chinese. I think we need to classify her like Taiwan. Renegade Chinawoman behaving badly.

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Floyd was really bad this episode. He compared being judged by his peers to being in a world heavy weight boxing match. Granted, he was holding up ring cards, but come on Floyd, you look more like a town car driver than a ring girl with that card.

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Traci wins with beef carpaccio and gets to pick 3 people for elimination. She takes Hugh, Naomi, and Mary Sue in that order. They are the black team, yet ironically, nobody darker than a #2 pencil and Mary Sue is only that color because she’s wearing the latest from Craig Sager’s Summer 2011 Collection: Glaciers of Sager, I’ma rock em this summer. #blueandcream

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At this point of the show, I had to hit the city dancer. Let’s see what happens. I’m trying to record the effects a la super high me.

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Curt Stone then says “welcome one of the biggest bands on the planet” and Maroon 5 shows up. It’s like that time Bravo told us there was a chef hosting and Curt Stone showed up. Every one is expecting a joke, but slowly and sadly we realize that all the world is now a Murray Hill Dance Party. I’d rather live with the Jivaro where celebrities can at least spear crocodiles or make really dope headdresses.

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The culinary masterminds from Maroon 5 enjoy Japanese food, steak, vegetarian food, Nebraska corn, vegan Mexican, and Thanksgiving. Yea, that’s one of those orders that puts kitchens in the weeds. “I’ll have the ramen, the ribeye, the baba ganoush, the Nebraska corn on a cob, a poopchilada, and um... yea, fucking Thanksgiving.” I would have taken a page out of Sandra Lee’s book and gave the asshole a Kwanzaa spread.

At least they weren’t the black eyed peas. I’m pretty sure Fergie is actually a man that eats children. Only Jonathan Swift serves that dish. Cold. They go to whole foods and Alex tries to run up a down escalator.

They have to cook in RVs and every thing goes flying: ingredients, fridge doors, mary sue, etc.

Floyd gives the DOH a heart attack, “We should cook the pasta and drain in the bathroom.” F is for Tabla. A few minutes later, Floyd ups the ante and goes upper decker with a dookie soup on top of the toilet.

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Alex realizes he’s taking on more than expected with the cooking. Well, dude, your team is playing 3 on 4 and one of your 3 is Tio the retarded kid who tries to cut things with spoons. Meanwhile on the other bus... “It doesn’t feel right to set a bowl on the floor and toss your salad but I’m tempted.” - Things Athletes and Mary Sue Say to Kim Kardashian. “Mami like athletes/i start to laugh again/What are you boo/ Kardashian?”

We hear that Floyd is in the bathroom searing steak. This was really a good episode. Getting people to make stews on the toilet, cheffin’ steaks in the sink, and tossin’ salad on RV floors. Why wasn’t Jeff Gordon a guest judge for this trailer park challenge?

We get to judges. Baby girl...

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Restaurant Girl went hard in the paint with this new do. She cheffin. If only the Red Team could do so much. Floyd serves a salad that looks like it came out of a bag. Alex’s Poopchilada looks like a toxic avenger dildo.

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Vegan enchiladas just upset me. Enchiladas were created by normal people. If you don’t want to be normal and prefer to be vegan, then give me back enchiladas, all beef hamburgers, and the missionary position. You can have chia seeds, dogs with sweaters, and the helicopter.

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One fool from Maroon 5 says, “Growing up in Nebraska, we had the privilege of getting corn straight off the farm.” - Scenes from an Italian Restaurant #Roberta’s #Bushwick #Where’dAllTheHookersGo?

Alex ends up doing four dishes himself and helping on numerous others for the Red Team, but his pasta sucks. It looks like he bought it at the Whole Foods Hot Bar and then plated it.

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I mean, if I was on this show, that’s what I’d do. I would go buy a five-course meal at the Whole Foods Hot Bar and see if Curt Stone noticed. The black team comes out on fire. “Mary Sue has covered the bed w/ tostadas which is not any fetish I’ve ever heard.” Hugh stays crushin’ it this episode.

They bring Margaritas, Mexican food, Japanese steak, spinach pie, etc. Adam blesses us with some real insight: “Chips and guacamole, great idea, especially paired with margaritas, brilliant touch.” Thanks, next week on Top Chef, The Wallflowers teach us that chicken goes great with broccoli, especially paired with toxic bamboo chopsticks, the bleach is a brilliant touch.

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Neither team had great dishes, it was boring and made for a shitty band with horrible taste in food. But, the Red Team’s food was crazy ugly. If Susur Lee’s dish looked like Marge Simpson, Team Red’s spread looked like Sam Cassel.

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Team Black wins and Traci cops a double-double = quick fire and elimination.

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Team Red comes up and you figure Alex is safe because at least he put in work and made the most shitty food. Like the two elderly women at a Catskill mountain resort.

“Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.”
“Yeah, I know; and such small portions.”

At least Alex made LOTS of shitty food. Tio couldn’t even make cous cous. Bodegas can do that, but you don’t see the “Chef” from Farmer in the Deli “building” sandwiches on the show. Yes, for those that don’t know, Farmer in the Deli doesn’t “make” sandwiches, they “build” them. BAWSE.

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[Photo: The Local/NYT]

Restaurant Girl goes hammer and tells Tio her spinach pie is “indistinctive and forgettable.” Get em girl. Tio is a reality show tourist. I’m convinced they’re going to eliminate her...

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And then without any logic, they cut Alex. ALEX? Really? The guy that busted his ass chasing shopping carts up the down escalator and then made most of the dinner? Tio is at the bottom every week, she’s never won a dime for her charity, she’s not interesting, she has that someone just shot my dog face all the time and named a restaurant after Julia Child. I mean, really, I don’t hate her, I just don’t want to see her ever ever again unless she’s in the “Wanta Fanta” reality show:

Celina Tio: America’s Next Top Fantana.

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