[Photo: Nicole Wilder/Bravo]
I sit down to watch the show with a nice bowl of beef noodle soup and what do I see? Fucking unibrow is back! I just lost my appetite. The smartest man in America at this time is John Rivera Sedlar who just quit and gave his spot to Hugh. Which begs the question why would any established chef compete in Top Chef Masters? Well, let’s read one of Reichl’s Haikus:
Grant Achatz kills me
I want to be like Curt Stone
He can’t even cook
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” says Mendes once the judges announce the quickfire challenge is hand-ground 30 minute meatballs. The celebrity judge is professionally-trained chef and world renowned gold digger, Kelis. Yo, my boy Esco still wants his paper back! If I ruled the world, Kelis would not be wearing that black and red corset inspired shit show. Did you cop that at the Reformed Gold Digger Uniform Store? I believe the mission statement for the place is: “Don’t forget your gold digging corset past, but please cover your milkshake when in public.”
Curtis Stone somehow keeps a straight face as he says “Kelis loves meatballs.” Someone auto-tune this. Do a song for Cubbyhole: “Meatballs bring all the boys to the yard. Pause, pause, pause, it’s better than yours.”
Naomi claims “I’m known as the meat lady. And there’s lots of pictures of me with like whole animals on my shoulder.” Sorry boo, but any chef with a shitty PR agency has photos with dead animals. “You got pets me too mines are dead, doggy on fox minks gators that’s necessary, accessories my closet’s pet cemetery” - Thanks Killa Cam
Currence breaks it up with a very thoughtful meatball choice. He chooses a Vietnamese meatball so that the world knows that maps in the South no longer refer to the country as Victor, Charlie, and the Lemongrass Factory. Is it me or is Currence trying to launch a Presidential Campaign from his time on Top Chef Masters? Either way, I fux with you Currence.
Suvir says, “I see a distinct style difference between myself and everybody else. When I drop an onion and look at my beautiful shoes I smile that life is not all that bad. I do it happily and as gay as I can.” Frequently, I look at my shoes and think to myself: Mother Fucking Based God. WHOOOP!
As Kelis starts to judge the dishes, the Chefs all become comedians. No jokes worth retelling. Floyd makes a salty meatball and gets mad Kelis didn’t eat the bread. Dude, if you want people to eat the bread, don’t have the sandwich laid out like a yard sale:
She likes Suvir’s meatball because “I think sweet and spicy are a wonderful combination.” Thanks Kelis, so does General Tso. It seems Kelis has the palate of a five-year-old at this point and people should have made McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets in Meatball form on a stick cause children like things on sticks.
Currence wins and he is slowly becoming the Student Body President of Top Chef High. Meanwhile, Naomi is becoming that annoying chick from Glee that every one hates:
By the way, WHERE IS MY BOY OSELAND? Way too much Kelis, not enough Oseland. MMmmkay? Who is Restaurant Girl? Wasn’t she the editor of yearbook club last week? She’s way in over her head and sometimes makes Curt Stone look like a Chef. Luckily Christina Hendricks is here to save the day with her husband, Malcolm Gladwell.
[Photo: Nicole Wilder/Bravo]
Superbad. When Asian kids don’t want to come to America, parents show them a picture of Hendricks:
“Look, they have the boobies!”
“How? Why don’t our women have these?”
“Because they drink soy milk.”
Christina Hendricks should be the face of whole milk. Whoever reps Milk, hire me to redo your shit. Photos of Patrick Ewing drinking milk look like evidence from the Atlanta Gold case.
Every one runs to the grocery store for ingredients and Currence has some interesting technique. He approaches the Seafood Section as if it was Baskin Robbins. “Hey Mr. Seafood Dude, could I have a taste of these oysters? ... Hmm, not what I was looking for, can I have a bite of that rainbow trout?” I love it. I am going to bring a bowl of rice to Whole Foods, ask for 1 oz slices of each fish, sweet shrimp, and imitation crab. FREE CHIRASHI BITCHES! Mary Sue goes HAM and makes Japanese Deviled Eggs. She says the stakes are really high. For real? You’re playing for charity. Last time I did something for charity, I motorboated Shamu on stage at Santos Party House. Sparkz, you owe me.
Floyd is running around asking people about Ambrosia. Obviously this man doesn’t have a smart phone. P.S. the point of the challenge is to UPGRADE the shit like Beyonce. Ack like you know.
Is it me or does Beyonce look like Pharrell in the beginning of the video w/ the toothpick? A fun game to play while drunk is to count how many different items Bey puts in her mouth in this video. Meanwhile, Suvir deduces that America in the 60s was flavorless. If you listen to this guy, you’d think India ruled the world. It doesn’t. As a grown ass man once told me, “I never want a job where I’m wearing a name tag or a head set.” Telemarketing sucks.
Then a shot of Celina Tio’s restaurant flashes across the screen. She says it’s named after Julia Child and apparently it’s inspired by Camp Awnawana:
Alexis is scared of bread pudding. Really? I know how to make bread pudding and this is what my oven looks like:
Suvir starts screaming about how he feels like a refugee because no stoves are available. I did not know that the UN updated the definition of refugee to: “Man with no stove.”
Finally, the tasting, and my boy Oseland is back. Currence is serving up crack left and right, Hendricks shudders after eating the oysters: “Malcolm never makes me feel like this. He just keeps talking about tipping points when I’m on top.” Her co-star from Mad Men doesn’t know what Oysters Rockefeller are, Curtis Stone laughs because he doesn’t either. Mendes comes through with a fantastic Chicken a la King that makes Oseland create some new trademark hand motion:
If you put that hand configuration into Cytherea, I’m pretty sure she’d make champagne. I know a hit when I see one, that’s a FUCKING HIT Oseland, rock it till the wheels fall off.
Sue and Suvir look really sad and I feel bad. I genuinely hate Naomi, but Suvir is like Ronald McDonald with even shittier shoes, nice guy. I hope Sue and Suvir don’t get cut. They make a nice refugee couple. Traci shows no range and turns beef stroganoff into beef salad aka tartare:
We are now taking bets on when Traci actually cooks something on Top Chef. After looking at all the “modern updates” of 60s food, it seems modern means smaller and deconstructed. On a serious note, it’s kinda sad to these chefs who are supposed to be the creme de la creme be so robotic. Is every one just swagger jacking Wylie? Get the lead out people. Those excluded from this group of copycats: Mendes, Currence, Suvir, and Mary Sue.
Floyd also did a deconstructed dish, but I liked it. Very creative and after all his whining about ambrosia, he really took the flavor profile but created a new experience.
Hugh sends out some retarded deconstructed beef wellington that has a donut hanging on a spoon then tells another joke about salt. Not funny, very undelicious as Oseland would say.
Mary Sue’s not-deviled-egg wins, but it looked dope. I’ll let it go.
The favorites on the show really seem to be Floyd, Currence and distant third Mendes. One of these guys wins unless Traci actually starts cooking food instead of making salads.
In the end, it’s Sue, Suvir, and Alex on the chopping block. Alex is a dick, doesn’t acknowledge that Suvir/Sue were disadvantaged, says they should watch their back, and claims he’s never made bread pudding. Die, die, die. Restaurant Girl is retarded cause she keeps harping on Sue’s dish being unfinished. Dude, it’s obvious her dish at 70% was better than Alex and Suvir’s, plus Alex got a softball with the Bread Pudding draw. Oseland says “very undelicious” to Alex which I love.
Sue is eliminated. Unfair, Bravo, spend some money and get a real kitchen. I’d rather watch chefs perform on the highest level, not cooking shitty food under unrealistic conditions. This season it seems like Top Chef has become some remix of Dinner: Impossible and nobody likes that show. Not even a little bit.