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No Reservations' Ozarks Episode: Just the One-Liners

Anthony Bourdain arm-wrestling a lady, for charity.
Anthony Bourdain arm-wrestling a lady, for charity.
Photo: Travel Channel

On last night's episode of No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain headed to the Ozarks of Southern Missouri where he learned how to skin a squirrel, got beat by a girl in arm-wrestling, and almost killed one of his favorite authors. He also received a gift of raccoon penis and taught some duck hunters how to prepare duck breast properly. Now on to the Quotable Bourdain — feel free to add your picks in the comments below.

1) On skinning squirrels: "It really is just like zipping off a fur coat."
2) On the leftover squirrel pelts: "I like to defile the dead when I do something like this. Sew this onto a cod piece, be good."

3) On an arm wrestling tournament: "It's really scary when guys who could kick your ass and your whole family and then have breakfast without breaking a sweat make high-pitched girlie screams. Hell, their girlfriends could kick my ass."
4) When asked if he wants to try arm wrestling: "My stand-in, Mr. Guy Fieri, will be substituting in for me."
5) While coon-hunting: "I am, of course, well acquainted with negotiating the wild in near-total darkness, moving through the trees and hollers, underbrush and barbed wire like an early Stallone. Okay, not really."
6) On the lack of hunting success: "The conflicting smells of coon shit and cameraman nutsack on a windy night causes confusion. We come up zero."
7) On the general lack of hunting success on No Reservations: "After seven years of this shit, we know our chances of a successful hunting or fishing scene are about the same as winning Powerball."
8) After being given a raccoon penis bone: "And just in case we've forgotten what this show always comes back to, let's remind everybody. It's about BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. And that's a lot of BEEP.
9) On the intelligence of ducks: "Ducks are only marginally more intelligent than a Kardashian, but instead of being attracted to bright shiny objects, they tend to be attracted to what look like their own kind: decoys."
10) On the score: "We've been wandering around in the woods, maiming famous authors. Actually, it's like animals one, humans zero so far this week."
11) On cooking duck breasts: "Gentlemen, remember this, please. When cooking duck, always wear pants."
12) On the ways of the world: "The circle of life is now complete. Or it will be later, when I take a dump."
13) On Ozark-style chili: "Everybody tells you, is that you gotta eat this, and just as importantly, you should always be within an hour of a bathroom. An hour? I barely made it to the town line."
14) On the combination of beer and guns: "It's a recipe for a good time, I don't know about success."

· All No Reservations Coverage on Eater [-E-]
· All Anthony Bourdain Coverage on Eater [-E-]

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