As promised, Anthony Bourdain returned to form last night with a whole lot of dick jokes. No Reservations was off to Vienna, and after making the requisite stop for some Sacher Torte, the show mainly focused on drinking outside and eating pork. Now on to the Quotable Bourdain — feel free to add your picks in the comments below.
1) On going to Vienna: "Any country where they speak German, I'm already kinda ambivalent about."
2) On changing his mind about Vienna: "I came here, I thought it was going to be one long Nazi joke. But, you know, I'm morphing into [Travel Channel host] Samantha Brown."
3) On riding the Ferris Wheel from The Third Man: "Near the end of his days, I'd be a little uncomfortable being on this thing with Orson Wells. That guy was big as a fucking house."
4) On getting the pastry segment out of the way at the beginning of the show: "You can't say you're going to Vienna without somebody getting up in your face about the Sacher Tort."
5) On drinking fancy coffee: "I always feel like an orangutan in a tuxedo at places like this, particularly when it comes to fairly formal coffee service. I'm a gulper, I'm not a sipper."
6) On drinking fancy coffee on television: "This is not stunning food porn right here. Nobody's sitting on their couch touching themselves right now, saying, oh that coffee looks really good."
7) At the Vienna Christmas market: "I feel historically compelled to take a shit on the emperor's lawn."
8) On overcoming his reluctance to enjoy the Christmas market: "It seems enough mini-Jaegers and promises of more alcohol to come can occasionally overcome my mortal dread."
9) After those promises are fulfilled: "You may know me from such shows as this one, and being a complete fuck on Top Chef, but aw shucks, I just wanna cuddle. With some hot wine."
10) At the Naschmarkt: "My kind of wonderland: a justifiably famous center of man-on-pork love."
11) On the importance of clothing: "You learn a valuable lesson cooking bacon while naked."
12) On eating a type of sausage made from sheep sphincter: "I don't know how I'm going to say this on basic cable, but this tastes like ass. In a good way. Kind of a barn-yardy, farmer's daughter in a haystack kind of thing."
13) On the unifying power of regional moonshine: "There's nothing like unlabeled hooch for making everyone feel at home."
14) On visiting a restaurant frequented by 90% locals: "We're gonna really fuck this place up aren't we. Yeah, we are."