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Yelp Reviews in the Style of Hemingway

McSweeney's imagines what Ernest Hemingway's Yelp reviews might sound like, here's a sample of his three-star review for Infusion Tea and Coffee House: "I got up late and the sun was already high and I had been drunk the night before. The barista brought me a cup of coffee and asked if I wanted anything else and when I said no she left. The coffee was good and very hot. I sat at the table for a while... By that time it was two in the afternoon and my headache was not as strong as it had been." [McSweeney's]