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The Next Iron Chef, Episode 6: Bye Bye, Big Bird

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To thoroughly enjoy the spectacle that is The Next Iron Chef, we welcome chef Eddie Huang who will be here every week to take us through the season.

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[Photo: Food Network]

I’ma just prepare yall. I hate these shows, but this is the best episode of Food Competition Television you’ll ever watch. On every level, the network murdered it like interstate wildlife. They ran over the racoon, backed the big rig up, ran it over again, lit it on fire, and then threw it at the next Hummer H2 Driving Soccer Mom cruising by. Fuck you line caught salmon eatin’, Hummer H2 driving house wife, I’ma throw this flaming raccoon on your wrap dress! AHHH, fuck your DVF bitch!

Would love to see these model minorities on fire from bleeding street racoons. That would definitely complete the look.

The challenge started off with five ingredients under cover. You bid time on the shits. Every chef got a chance to bid on 5 ingredients, whoever bid the least amount of time won the ingredient. Zakarian bid 35 minutes on Wagyu and won the item. Burrell got sardines for 50 minutes, Chiarello got lobster for 30, Falkner got tuna jerky for 25, and Guarnaschelli got lamb leg for 20. As soon as Zakarian got Wagyu for 35, Guarnaschelli had to throw sand in the vagina and says “Fancy pants beef fits Chef Zakarian.” Hold up, first that’s my Mans so back your bus up. Second, aren’t you queen bitch fancy pants with Butter and Prada shoes in the kitchen? Just cause you don’t pull it off doesn’t mean you aren’t trying as hard as you fucking can. I see your bullshit ad with Bobby Flay putting powdered sugar over desserts calling it a “Snow Day.”

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It’s hilarious how the network is trying SOOO hard to push her as the next domesticated female chef coming straight into our living rooms but it’s never going to work cause Bobby is not going to go from Ari’s wife to Guarnashitshow. She like the white Starr Jones. She got that catty Kardashian personality that women think men like but it’s housed in a lopsided Bodymore Trap Spot. If someone designed an interior inspired by Guarnaschelli this is pretty much what it would look like:

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FYI to beat Guarnaschelli-like jumps. Men don’t fuck with the Kardashians cause they’re gold digging devil hos. We really just like Kim’s ass. We like her ass so much that we will watch her video with Ray J and throw babies into kleenex’s DESPITE all the other shit. The attitude ain’t gonna turn your Snack Pack Pudding ass into something I’ll actually trust excalibur with. I mean, damn, I’m one the last mother fuckers in Chinatown that knows how to stir that shit. I’ll whip another phantom, whip another chain/ whip another house, whip u some baby-face with this shit b. Get it? ... baby... face. #PastryCheffin

This challenge was ill cause there was gamesmanship. That’s why this episode was dope. It’s not just the cooking, people want strategy, gamesmanship, mind games, that Francis Ford Coppola naw mean? I want to see the Banzini meeting.

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Off jump you can tell Burrell is going to be the worst at this. She’s the most dense and basic of all the contestants. I mean, look at your man Chiarello, Falkner, Zakarian, even Guarnaschelli, they sharks. Ya mean? They got their Raekwon on, Politik Ditto! Burrell over here like Baby U-ey, the Bitch with the Golden Arms.

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U-God is basically the Anne Burrell of the Wu-Tang. He has one verse to remember “Raw Ima give it to ya, with no trivia, Burrell blow cocaine straight from Bolivia.” When the sardines came up for auction, Burrell jumped on it cause she figured “I can cook anything I just need time.” Clearly she didn’t go to the Bill Parcells school of cheffing: “They want you to cook the dinner; at least they ought to let you shop for some of the groceries.” Come on, Parcells is the Knowledge God, primo ingredients is extra necessary. You can’t turn a ho into a house-wife and sardines is definitely smelly fish so you contract the herpes on that one.

God is an interesting person. He didn’t bless Burrell with intelligence, but he did give her an abundance of physical gifts. I mean, peep shawty with her Hussein Bolt on.

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[Photo: Food Network]

Burrell got to cook and get ingredients first since she got her ingredient with the most amount of time. While it goes down Zakarian goes Gus Frerotte banging his head against the wall. As a life-long Redskins fan, I couldn’t watch. The last time this happened, Jeff Hostetler appeared and we’ve never been the same since. Zakarian you my mother fuckin’ sunshine b! Get your shit together!

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When he finally gets to cook, Zakarian does wagyu nicoise style — olives, fennel, peppers, garlic, shallot, lemon, with a Wagyu fat Hollandaise and Rilletes. I love it. Classic flavor profile but he’s got perfectly seared raw Wagyu and the Hollandaise gets wagyu fat instead of eggs. This is the fine dining you want to see. There’s a hero with a thousand faces. We all know the flavor profiles that work. There are rules to this game, the trick is to know which ones to break and which ones to accept. Zakarian’s the master of that shit. I think this dude should have a Food TV show TODAY. People talk about cooking through Julia Child or the Momofuku cook book, but come on... Do a show called On Food and Cooking and have Zakarian cook America through the kitchen Bible. Done, hands down, would be the show America needs TODAY.

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That said, these chefs still seem to have gaps in their technique since it’s so founded in the Western world. Guarnaschelli kept whining about how there’s no way to make use of lamb leg in 20 minutes. The other chefs, even Chiarello said that she either had to serve it raw like carpaccio or grind it, but it’s totally untrue. I mean, even if you wanted to stay in Italy, scallopini! You could grill it Beijing style or you could slice thin and stir fry with a batter of egg whites, corn starch, and flour. You could also flash fry in a wok. If some dumb ass that spends his day making sandwiches watching xvideos all day can figure it out, one of you fucking wanna-be Iron Chefs should, too. I mean, this is what I did this morning. Literally, I have to wear a helmet when operating electronic devices I’m so fucking stupid.

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P.S. The roor is only used for tobacco and community service purposes.

Falkner got the worst ingredient by all counts: tuna jerky. She’s been comin’ hard in the paint though. I really fux with this chick. She even started crackin’ on those stand-up interviews where the network makes every one say “I want to be an Iron Chef!” And she says she’s a “Chef Ninja” sounds corny, but trust, even the kid laughed. Falkner made a dope Tuna Jerky Souffle with Dashi. She used the Tuna Jerky like it was bacon or salted caramel. Basically a salty element that brings some “meatiness” and tempers the profile of the dessert. Burrell hated on Falkner for her dish saying “She’s a pastry chef. She made three ice creams and a souffle, when’s she gonna cook some real food?” It’s classic dumb ass Burrell. Falkner is using her skills, the vehicles and techniques she has and applies it to savory or sweet. Anne, do us all a favor and bake yourself a new face. You so basic, Kreyshawn is over you.

Then the other shoe drops, Alton finally reveals what Burrell’s advantage was and she is the fourth judge... She gets to pick one dish that she feels is the worst and automatically, that person is in the Chairman’s Challenge. Zakarian says that she should put the strongest person in the Challenge, but I disagree. Regardless who you put in the Chairman’s Challenge, if the judges think that person made the best dish, they’ll still win. It just means you have to face the Megatron Don you just pissed off. If I were Burrell, I’d put Guarnaschelli in the challenge because if Burrell is bottom, then she has an easier opponent. Of course, she does the opposite, puts Zakarian in the bottom despite the judges saying he had the second best dish and now she gonna get flamed. It’s like Eli Porter vs. Al Qaeda Jada.

Just to get it correct. Yall Z100 heads may not fuck with D-Block, but I’m telling you. I don’t care if it’s Hov, Nas, Ross, whatever... No one and I mean NO ONE wants any part of D-Block. They may not sell as much as other rappers, but every one knows STAY THE FUCK OUT THE GLADIATOR BLOCK. Zakarian is that dude. If you still on this show, DO NOT GET CAUGHT with this man on the one one.

“This real live street shit, the truest and the deepest, Zakarian went to jail just to get his teeth fixed.” AHHH.

The challenge is panko and ponzu. Easy enough. They have to make dessert and everyone bugs, but it’s not that bad. Ponzu has salt/acid and if you come with something that can absorb that and over power it, you can drive that mo-fuckin car wherever you need to go. Burrell makes some Italian roll up joint that looked like a cannoli california roll and some ice cream after shitting on Falkner for making ice cream. So, not only did her shit look like sushi samba, but she contradicted herself. Good to see the real Anne Burrell is back. If you know someone that bought her Cook Like a Rockstar book, rename them in your phone DO NOT PICK UP UNLESS YOU NEED A MARK TO PIN A BID ON.

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[Photo: Food Network]

Zakarian made a sweet and sour ponzu blackberry souffle with gazpacho dipping sauce. I mean, my dog, this is me. You know what the kid wants to see. Sweet and Sour, Duck Sauce, Black Bean all day, I FUX WIT U. Of course, that British judge Simon wants to pick on something minor and dogs the powdered sugar on the souffle saying it’s so “70s”. This dude has gone off the rails the last three weeks. He just wants to hear his own voice and because he’s got an accent, he thinks he has authority. Luckily Symon and your girl Judy Joo son him every time. No more judges who don’t actually chef. Writers are always looking for stories. That’s their job. They try to find shit you didn’t see and when they’re on the spot and there really isn’t a story, they create one out of nothing and misdirect every one. Simon needs to just shut the fuck up and agree with Judy Joo cause she got good hair. Hai boo!

Zakarian wins and Burrell gives us this Faces of Meth look. If you don’t want to keep food down for the next three days, peep game:

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[Photo: Food Network]

nic-s04e06-10.jpgLastly, before we’re out. Shameless plug for a good cause. My brother Evan is organizing a charity event in Orlando for the homeless. If you have a heart, you will chip in. If you are a Hunts Point Hooker who every one says has no heart, this is your chance to not buy your 88th pair of clear heels and instead donate $19.99 to the homeless. I mean for real, there are BROKE WHITE PEOPLE, it’s bad yall...

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