The Layover's Miami Episode: Just the One-Liners

In last night's episode of The Layover host and girlie drink drinker Anthony Bourdain went to Miami, Florida, where he drove a bright red Corvette around South Beach, got a tattoo, made some money betting on Jai Alai, and went on a boat ride with chef Michael Schwartz (of Michael's Genuine). Below, as though it's something that's missing in that town, Bourdain does his best to put the "douche back in Miami." On to the Quotable Bourdain — feel free to add your picks in the comments.

1) On his choice of wheels: "I wanted something that if I was playing Grand Theft Auto, it's car that I would steal and drive for a while."

2) On driving a Corvette around Miami: "Sometimes you need to just embrace your inner douche, and driving around South Beach you may as well drive the car you never would in any other situation... This is the one town you won't stick out in a car 20 years too young for you, and way too bright and way too fast. That's what I'm here for: Me in my red car. I'm putting the douche back in Miami. It is my right as an American to come to South Beach and behave like a douche."

3) More on Miami: "This is one of those things I love about South Beach. It really feels like you're living inside Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I always feel this not-so-secret compulsion to sideswipe people and beat prostitutes to death. But who doesn't?"

4) On the public transportation options: "Of course, you could walk, or bike around like the locals do. I've heard there's a public transportation system that gets you just about anywhere you want to go with a two dollar easy pass. But for fuck's sake. You're in Miami. It's vacation!"

5) On the Miami fashion sense: "You gotta love that. Walking down the main drag of the city, your ass cheeks flapping for everybody to see. I don't know. What other major metropolis would that be acceptable?"

6) On lunch options in South Beach: "Meh, not so much. I usually head over to get a Colombian mutant hot dog. Colombians like to do strange and wonderful things to their dogs."

7) On the size of Colombian hot dogs: "Wrapping your lips around this is a challenge. I hear that a lot."

8) On his choice of hot dog: "Me? Edgar's Special please. Wha? Hot dog with cheese? Pineapple jelly and whipped cream? Garnished with dried fruits and a little strawberry sauce? It's like a gay frankendog."

9) On the local flora: "Driving down Collins Avenue on South Beach, you quickly realize douchey-ness doesn't just happen. You gotta work for it."

[The above, well, just because.]

10) On what he does in Miami: "For some people relaxing in Miami may be a day at the beach, for others, it's having a needle full of ink drilled under your skin."

11) On his traditional visit to Club Deuce, post-tattoo: "One of the last true dive bars in South Beach... it's a glorious refuge... If you are offended by cigarette smoke and need to see oily, barely-concealed chesticles, you can go elsewhere."

12) On the dangers of Jai Alai: "That ball probably drive right into your brain. All kinds of maxio-facial-genital injury."

13) On winning money at Jai Alia: "Remember kids, forget about school. Gamble. Uncle Tony did."

14) On the comparison of Cuba to Miami: "This would be unthinkable. They don't have this... People gotta hustle all day long, cut every corner, do every innovative, probably illegal thing you can do, just to feed your family."

15) On extra-curricular activities: "Another option on a day like this... you can rent a jet ski and see if you can further erode our remaining coral reefs. If there are any left living. With any luck you'll hit a manatee or Flipper. He's from around here, right? Pool, or beach. You decide. Me, I'm old, I'm lazy. I ain't movin'."

16) At the S&S Diner: "I'm in an alternate universe. It's kind of Twilight Zone-y. I could leave here and find out that the world outside these doors has disappeared. No one's left alive. It's just us. Gravy master. Cultivating my hard body for the beach."

17) On Michael's Genuine: "Deviled eggs? I'm a big whore for non-ironic deviled eggs. Do I have to tell you how to make a deviled egg? I seriously fucking hope not."

· All Miami Coverage on Eater [-E-]
· All The Layover Coverage on Eater [-E-]
· All Anthony Bourdain Coverage on Eater [-E-]