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The Madrid Episode of No Reservations: Just the One-Liners

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Bourdain enjoys the riches of the Spanish countryside.
Bourdain enjoys the riches of the Spanish countryside.
Photo: Travel Channel

No Reservations found Anthony Bourdain in Spain last night, and, as predicted, he consumed copious quantities of Jamón Ibérico. Additionally, he attempted to define Madrid-style cuisine amidst the chaos of the Spain's 2010 World Cup championship win, eating at some of the city's best restaurants and still finding time to go out to the country and make a bunch of sheep jokes. He also maybe did some whip-its. On to the Quotable Bourdain — feel free to add your picks in the comments below.

1) On Jamón Ibérico: "Message to Gwenyth Paltrow: I don't know what the fuck is the matter with you. How can you drive across Spain and not eat ham? Mario, I love you, but why did you bring along the one fucking kid in the world who can't eat ham? I'm pretty sure God's against that."

2) On restaurant Casa Salvador: "Best I can understand, this was a place for the cream of the bullfighting elite and the women who liked to fuck them."
3) On casas de comidas, or Spanish restaurants that serve traditional comfort food: "Mom's cooking, but without mom, cause she probably wouldn't have approved of all these women getting fucked by bullfighters."
4) On the food at Madrid hot spot Diverxo: "One the things I love best about David's cooking is that it sounds, to me anyway, like something that should probably suck."
5) On a dish of black pudding dim sum, quail egg, pig's ear and sweet and sour sauce at Diverxo: "I love my wife, I love my daughter, and then I love this."
6) On smelling an egg coddled in a jar: "As the world's number one egg whore, that's already guaranteed a good time."
7) On his shepherding trip to the country: "It's worth noting for any lonely farm boys out there that female sheep genitals are shockingly similar to human ones. But then, you knew that already, right?"
8) On the grass stains on his back after an afternoon siesta: "I look like I've been enjoying myself with the sheep a little too much."
9) On the consumption of alcohol in fine dining establishments: "In other countries, binge drinking at a Michelin starred restaurant might be frowned upon. But in Spain, apparently, it's perfectly acceptable. At least, I hope it is."
10) On Jamón Ibérico, again: "To pass through Spain and not try this most traditional, most loved expression of Spanish history and culture is like letting the great love of one's like slip through one's fingers."

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