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Fake Exit Interview: The Truth Behind Lynn & Arnold's Loss

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The grandees at Bravo won't let us in on their exit interview bukkake. Don't make us none. We're still going to be interviewing the Top Chef flunk outs. Just in our minds.


So last night was a fucking bogus episode.
Arnold: Yeah, gurl. Work it!
Lynn: My cats are cold.
Arnold: [Imitating Lynn] My cats are cold.

So was this a positive experience for you two?
Arnold: I represented myself, girl. This is Arnold. [Snaps fingers in Z shape] I'll cut a bitch.
Lynn: No. This was not a positive experience for me.

What do you two make of being judged by previous Top Chef losers?

Arnold: We'll I've thrown down at the Latex Ball representing House of Ninja. I think I saw Mike Isabella there. Shwam! So I'm used to being judged. I can handle the heat.

Lynn: At the Supreme Court, right, they don't invite convicted criminals to adjudicate, do they? No they don't. Because that's dumb. It just simply doesn't make sense.

Ok, let's get real here, y'all. Whose fault is it that you both went home?

Lynn: Mine. I don't hesitate to take the blame here. I undercooked the pasta. But let me tell you something: As I said on the show, all my children are four-legged. I have two sons and two daughters so that makes six legs which means sixteen pairs of shoes and four sets of custom made pants. I couldn't afford to be away from home for much longer. I'm not saying I spiked the dish but I'm not unhappy going home. You'd think taking care of four four-legged children would be easier but no, they run away twice as fast.

Arnold: Are you fucking kidding me, Lades? I don't have any kids, why did you take me with you? Couldn't you have gotten sent home on an individual challenge?

Lynn: Gurl, I ain't even hearin' now.

Arnold: No, seriously. I mean, seriously?

Lynn: This is the thing: I may or may not be a lesbian, right? Statistically, if I'm on Top Chef, chances are that I am. You are definitely gay. It's true that the lesbian and gay communities haven't always seen eye-to-eye. But in this case, my thoughts are this. I find your expression of your homosexuality somewhat offensive, not in its outness but in its clichéd and hackneyed lack of originality. Do you think I honestly wanted to go home to my malformed children? No, as a matter of fact, I didn't. I fell upon my sword, and took you with me, to protect the public image of those of us in the LGBT community. So call me a villain if you will but this all was for the public good.

Arnold: Ooh girl, not fierce. Not fierce at all.

· All Top Chef Coverage on Eater [-E-]
· All Fake Exit Interviews on Eater [-E-]