The grandees at Bravo won't let us in on their exit interview bukkake. Don't make us none. We're still going to be interviewing the Top Chef flunk outs. Just in our minds.
Hi Tamesha.
Hello.
Oh, it sounds like your cold has cleared up?
It has. I was really congested on the show. I had a cold for ten days but for the rest of my life, people will think I talk like that.
Was there some chemistry between you and Angelo or was I just seeing things?
Angelo is a handsome man and very talented. He would never do anything to hurt me. Angelo. Angelo. Angelo.
Whoah, you sound kind of brainwashed.
Angelo is a handsome man and very talented. He never do anything to hurt me. Angelo. Angelo. Angelo.
Did you ever see those Jason Bourne movies? Are you like Bourne and Angelo is like David Webb?
Angelo is a handsome man and very talented. He never do anything to hurt me. Angelo. Angelo. Angelo.
Are you trying to summon him, Beetlejuice-like?
Angelo! Angelo! Angelo!
[Angelo, as a translucent apparition appears and takes up residence right over Tamesha's shoulder. Tamesha, meanwhile, stares blankly forward]
AAAAGHHHHH!!!! What art thou that usurp'st this time of night, together with that fair and warlike form?
It is I, Angelo, who speaketh to Thee.
Where dost thou live, Evil Spirit?
I live in all parts, mortal. But these days I'm staying at the Hilton in Washington DC. They have a really nice turndown service.
Are you secretly controlling Tamesha right now?
No. [Pause] Maybe.
Tamesha?
Tamesha: Angelo is a handsome man and very talented.
Angelo: Silence!
Tamesha: [Silence]
That's not incredibly reassuring.
Angelo: Tamesha, I command you to strangle Stein. Do it in a heartbeat. Just like you did in Amanda!
Tamesha: Death to Amanda! Death to Amanda!
That's good for me. Is it cool if I call you later if I have any other questions?
Death to Amanda! Ruin for Stein! Death to Amanda! Ruin for Stein!
[Cackling, Angelo fades into the air. I run out, fucking dropping my new iPhone which is annoying but I pick it up and slam the door. Tamesha is left, zombie-like or a mini-Godzilla wind-up toy, trying to break down the wall.]
· All Top Chef Coverage on Eater [-E-]
· All Fake Exit Interviews on Eater [-E-]
· All Tamesha Warren Coverage on Eater [-E-]
