The Paula Deen Jay Leno Sex Tape You Never Wanted To See

Last night, Paula Deen came all over The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Both Grayhaireds couldn't keep their hands off each other. It was late night elder sex. Skinemax cake-baking. Holy hell. It was like watching your grandparents make whoopie, if your grandfather was an extremely unfunny talk show host and your grandmother was a Southern celebrity chef.

Video: Paula Deen on Leno

Within first three seconds of the appearance, Leno calls Deen doll. She calls him sweetie. He says Baby. Then she turns to the audience and screams, "Chagal, shigow, shigow!" inexplicably. Then she massages Leno's shoulder. They stand really close.

Paula: Let me get your machine down. Let me lock it in place. You add your sugar and your butter and you cream that.

Leno: Put that in there like that.

Paula: Just like that. Turn your machine on...

Leno: Oh alright!

Paula: You can adjust your speed, you can go high or you can go low.

Leno: How do you like it fast or slow?

[Paula wraps her arms around Leno's neck, peering into his eyes (holes of soulless suck)]

Paula: I like it fast.

[Leno, feeling uncomfortable, notably intumescent, releases his embrace and looks away.]

Paula: Wait, wait, wait.

[Paula again entwines Leno, drawing his face to hers. He looks away. She forces his eyes to meet hers. Beat.]

Paula: How do you like it?

Leno: However you like it, baby. I'm just...

[A horrendous spasm of orgasmic joy spreads momentarily on the broad expanse of Leno's parade float-face]

These kids, they just don't know.

Paula: So you cream that.

Leno: Ok, so I'm creaming this.

[They talk ingredients for not more than three seconds.]

Leno: I put it in here?

[Leno tries to put his thing in the wrong receptacle.]

Paula: No, you put it in here

[Paula indicates the proper receptacle, in the front of her.]

[Unintelligible]

Waahhh, don't hit your beaters!

Leno: You hear that? Don't hit your beaters.

They dillydally shillyshally and bake for a few moments without any overt sexual content. There's a commercial break. When we return, Deen's back—naked, moist—is to the camera, and Jay Leno's hairy ankles are protruding for either side. His toes are wriggling and delighted. Deen is screaming: Chagal, shigow! shigow! again and the smell of burnt cake and passion wafts into the living rooms across America. I swear that happened. It's just that my Tivo shut off.

All Paula Deen Coverage on Eater [-E-]