An all-consuming desire for beverages made with high-fructose corn syrup (or beer) and a complete unwillingness to walk anywhere are two of the biggest contributing factors to the rise of obesity in the US, so you have to admire the sheer perversity of a product designed specifically to let your fat ass ride around atop a cooler filled with drinks. Sounds like a 30 Rock plot line, I know—maybe something for Jack Donaghy to sell or Tracy Jordan to tool around the TGS hallways with—but people, it's REAL! And prices start at a whopping $299 (and on Amazon)! Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Cruzin Cooler.
Cruzin Cooler Sales Video
I can't decide what my favorite thing about the Cruzin Cooler is, but I've narrowed it down to three:
1) They come at various price points! So if you want to embarrass your plebeian neighbors with their $299 250 watt model, you can go straight for the top of the line 1000 watt model. Surely $799 isn't too much to pay for a fleeting moment of superiority?
2) They come in gas and electric models! So if you care about the environment, you can get an electric model and make Ed Begley, Jr happy. If you hate the environment and are just waiting for the Rapture, you can get a gas one and make BP and Rand Paul happy. WIN-WIN.
3) It has so many accessories! You can buy a seat with a back, a seat with a pad, a car charger, a golf bag caddy, and a cooler wagon, a.k.a. coolagon that attaches to the Cruzin Cooler OR other coolagons so you can ride around in a Cruzin Cooler caravan!
Rest assured I am trying to convince my editor RIGHT NOW to purchase a 1000 watt Cruzin Cooler + coolagons so we can slap some Eater logos on the side and drive cross-country on them to raise money for, like, the Chez Panisse Foundation or whatever.