74 Top Chef Alumni, 12 Total Review Stars Earned

In today's restaurant industry, it seems that Top Chef has become the instant path success, with promises of reality show fame and glory almost assured. But after five seasons, just how well are ex-Top Cheffers doing? Eater's research team did some homework and broke down the stats from the first five seasons. So without further ado, let's go to the math.

Total Number of Cheftestants: 74

Number of Private Chefs Who Boast Pauly Shore and Brandy as Clients: 1

Number of Executive Chefs in Restaurants That Are Open Right Now: 18

Number of Reviews Amassed By Said Execs in Major Cities: 5

Total Number of Stars Amassed: 12 (Harold Dieterle, 1; Howie Kleinberg; 2.5, Richard Blais, 4; Jen Biesty, 2.5; Jamie Lauren, 2)

Number of Chefs With Clothing Lines in the Works: 5 (Dave Martin, Casey Thompson, Erik Hopfinger, Stefan Richter, Nikki Cascone)

Number of Days Ilan Hall's The Gorbals Has Been Open: 5

Number of Days Ilan Hall's The Gorbals Has Been Closed By the Dept. of Public Health: 32 and counting

Number of Months That Season Five Winner Hosea Will Be on Sabbatical While He "Catches Up on Reality": 5

Number of Titles Boasted By Season One's Stephen Asprinio: 3 (Chef, Sommelier, Restaurant)

Number of Years Before He Sold His New Florida Restaurant: Less than 1

Number of Chefs That Feature Fart-Lighting on Their MySpace Page: 1

Number of Personal Websites With Lady Chefs in Stilettos: At least 2 (Candice Kumai, Marisa Churchill)

Number of Dollars Needed to Bail Out Marcel After His DUI: 2,500

*Disclaimer: Eater's crackteam of interns couldn't track down every single cheftestant, so if you have any further intel or corrections, do let us know.